"Let It All Out" Relient K

Let it all out, get it all out
Rip it out remove it
Don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed
Cause we're so scared to find out what this life's all about
So scared we're going to lose it
Not knowing all along that's exactly what we need

And today I'll trust you with the confidence of a man who's never known defeat
But tomorrow upon hearing what I did I will stare at you in disbelief
Oh, inconsistent me, crying out for consistency

And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

And I'll let it be known at times I have shown
Signs of all my weakness
But somewhere in me there is strength
And you promise me that you believe
In time I will defeat this
Cause somewhere in me there is strength

And today I'll trust you with the confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat
And I'll try my best to just forget
That that man isn't me

And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

You said I know that this will hurt (I know this will hurt)
But if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
When the burden seems too much to bear
Remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

Reach out to me, make my heart brand new
Every beat will be for you, for you
And I know you know you touched my life
When you touched my heavy heart and made it light

"Tear My Wings Apart" Lynnea Malley

Spiral to the ground
I'll run home, oh I'll run home
Maybe clear my mind
I don't know, no I don't know

But when I'm back again
I'll fall back down since
When I try to hide
My thoughts always find me

No rain anymore
Just the clouds, just the clouds
Hear me screaming, sure
Not as loud, no not as loud

Tear my wings apart
I'll just boil gently
And what more is anger
Than just a motivated form of sadness

I'm giving up on me
I feel it now, I can't breathe
Don't know how to change myself
No question now, I can't stay this way

Swimming.

I grew up a swimmer.

I was in swimming lessons as far back as I can remember.

I LOVED to swim! :)

I loved the feeling of floating.

Splashing around.

Earning my swim badges.

I hated getting out.

It was always so cold in the change rooms.

I remember this one specific day at Sargent Park Pool, after getting out of the water, I just felt miserable because I was so cold.

I wrapped myself in my towel, and I sat on the bench in front of my locker, and I cried.

My mom would usually wait for me outside of the change room for me to come out, but when I wasn't coming out, she came in looking for me.

And found me crying.

She asked me what was wrong. I told her that I was so cold.

She reassured me, that I just had to get dried off, get dressed, and I'll be warm in no time.

I hated having to unwrap my towel, because then the cold air could get at me.

But she was right, and I knew it.

So I towelled off, got dressed, and yeah, I warmed up in no time.

Right now, I kinda feel like I did when I sat there and cried.

I've made the decision to leave my church.

There's a lot of reasons behind it that I'm not gonna get into in this post.

But yesterday was my last Sunday as worship team leader.

I only told a few people - my pastors, the worship team, and a couple people in the church.

This whole experience has felt like my swimming lessons.

You get to the pool, stand at the edge, and jump in.

And it's cold! Kinda takes your breath away for a couple seconds.

But you get used to it, you get your bearings, and you go have fun, learning things along the way.

That's what it was for me. I stood at the edge for a long, long time. Then finally it was time for me to jump in.

And it took me a bit to figure it out, to get my bearings.

But I did, and I had fun with it, learning things along the way.

But, just like swimming lessons, all things must come to an end.

The time has come when the Lord has called me out of the pool, this lesson is over.

And just like at the end of swim time, you gotta put your pool stuff away - any flutter boards, or balls, or life jackets you've used, they need to be set up for the next group to use.

Today I sent Nat - the new team leader - the song list, all the lyrics, and all the PDF files for all the songs in the music library. Got that stuff set up for him to use.

And now I find myself sitting in the locker room, stuck between swimming and the rest of life, just feeling miserable. Knowing that it's time to move on, yet wanting to go back to where it was comfortable and fun, where I knew what I was doing.

And I hate this place.

But, just like my mom came to reassure me, I know that the Lord is reassuring me, telling me that yeah, this moment right now sucks, but I don't just need to wallow here being miserable. I just gotta dry myself off, get dressed, and I'll be warm in no time.

And hey, there's always another swimming lesson next week. ;)