Inspiration.

My friend Sherrie has an "Inspirational People" section on her blog, and I was honoured today to have been included :)

You can read it here.

Thank you my friend, this really means a lot to me :) Love you! <3

Alone.

I've been feeling myself pulling away from people as of late.

It bothers me.

I haven't been totally consciously doing it, but looking back on my weekend, I feel like I've been distant from others.

Friday night - Ladies' Night Out with my church, I was very tempted to just not go, but I forced myself to because I knew I needed to get out. I ended up having a good time, which was nice :)

Saturday - My only plans of the day was a movie date with a friend and her fam. I also invited a friend last-minute, but she wasn't able to get in because they sold out right before her turn at the till. So I ended up sitting by myself in the theatre because there wasn't enough seats all together for my friend and her fam. Then after the movie, I took my time getting out of the theatre, but did wait around for everyone else to come out, in hopes of seeing my friend. I didn't, and she wasn't answering her phone, so I just went home.

Today - At church I kinda shied away from people, didn't really chat much. At one point in the morning, when it was just me and the cadets there, one of them asked me, "So, what's going on?" And I just thought to myself, there's a lot going on that I don't want to tell you about because you're leaving. After the service I hid upstairs for longer than I needed to while putting the music away. Then I skipped out on going to the Booth grad because I just didn't want to be around people.

I don't know...

At this point, right now, I just feel lost. Like I'm swimming around trying to figure out which way is up and which way is forward, but I end up just spinning in circles and not going anywhere.

And because I feel like I've lost direction, I feel the need to pull away from people so they don't see anything wrong with me.

I've been trying to open up to certain people... I have a friend that I met at college, I am very open with her about everything, she knows it all. One of my friends from my house church I've somewhat opened up to, but more so just about my sexuality.

But the thing I find hardest is finding someone within my home church - Weston - to open up to. There are a couple people I think would be good to talk with, but there never seems to be that opportunity. The worst part is not being able to open up to my pastor, because there's always that chance that they won't be there very long. Especially with what's been happening these past few years, it's very very difficult to be able to trust that they'll be around for the journey.

And that's a tough thing to deal with, on both sides.

I haven't spoken with my current pastor since finding out about her being reassigned. Right now, I don't really want to, because I know it's going to be hard. Knowing that she's leaving only leaves me without anything to talk with her about, anything more than just pleasantries and small talk.

I am upset. I am angry. I am frustrated. I am distrustful of the Salvation Army. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this...

Change.

Change can be good.

But sometimes it's not.

I don't like change.

I like routine.

I like knowing what to do, and what's going to happen.

Today the Annual Change for 2014 in The Salvation Army was made public (here).

We're getting yet another officer change. Fourth one in three years.

In 2011, Ian and Deanna Scott came. It was so great! I had some classes with them when I attended Booth College, so it was great being able to reconnect with them again! Especially with Deanna, we bonded so fast and so well, I was comfortable opening up with her.

But only a few months into their stay here, they were put on leave, and in the end they ended up leaving The Salvation Army. (Long story, not my story to tell, but the jist of it is, they were gone.)

Then we had guest speakers until we were appointed cadets in 2012, and then Margaret in 2013.

And even when Margaret came, I had a really hard time in opening up to her, because I didn't know if she'd be here longer than a year.

And I was honest with her about that. There was a time when I was struggling, she offered for me to chat with her, but I flat out told her that I didn't want to let her in simply because I couldn't be sure that she'd be able to walk the journey with me. She understood, and also shared that she's also frustrated with that.

It is so frustrating not being able to open up to my pastor.

It is so frustrating not being able to trust that the Salvation Army will keep them there to build and maintain relationships within the corps.

So now we have Tina and Keesom coming in at the end of June.

A part of me doesn't want to stay at Weston. I'm so tired of The Salvation Army making so many changes, especially with Weston.

But the responsible side of me knows that it would not be right to just pick up and leave right in the middle of a transition.

I'm frustrated.

So incredibly frustrated.

And I really hope that Tina and Keesom will be here for at least a few years...

Nominated To Be Naked

There's this new thing going around Facebook right now, where you post a picture of your face without make-up on, and without using any kind of filters (Instagram, Photoshop, etc.). Then you nominate someone else to do it to, and they nominate someone else, and so on. The hashtags I've most seen attached to this photos is #LoveYourself

I haven't been nominated, nor do I see the need to be... I don't wear make-up, so technically all of my pics I could just go back and label them all #NoMakeUp #NoFilter...

I do have generally positive views on this trend...

The first thing that I think is, FINALLY!!! Finally people are taking a step to lose the make-up mask in order to see their faces as they naturally should be.

I get so frustrated when people feel like they need to cover themselves up with make-up.

I get that make-up has a purpose - but that purpose is to enhance your natural features, not to cover them up to make a new face.

Why has it become so socially acceptable to cover the real you up? Why has society come to the point that it tells women (and men!) that they're not beautiful enough, they need to create a new face?

I'm not even gonna get into plastic surgery...

I get that make-up can be used to express yourself. I do that with my hair...

But there is a difference between expressing yourself and having fun with it, and feeling like you can't leave the house without putting on your face.

There have been people that have said that to me.

And I know of a couple people who won't participate in this trend because they hate the way they look without make-up.

So sad, really... Because when I see all these #NoMakeUp #NoFilter pictures people are posting on Facebook, they are so beautiful!!!

I just want to end with this: beauty is not what the media and "beauty products" industries says you should look like. True beauty is the true you. You don't need to paint on a different face. Because although you may not see it in yourself, everyone around you can. And we want to see you :)



#BOOM

Why?

I had coffee with a friend this past week. A friend that I was able to confide some stuff in, opening myself up to her, allowing her in, accepting her willingness to walk with me, and I with her.

We were chatting about a lot of stuff, but one of the things she challenged me on was, why do I identify as gay? Why has God made me like this?

She challenged me to pray about it, and press after God for answers.

It's been an interesting conversation with the Lord.

I have a sense of what His answer is...

I know there is a purpose for everything.

I know there is a purpose for why God made me the way He did.

And I'm beginning to understand a part of what that purpose is...

So we shall see what comes of this...

I know there's a breaking that going to happen.

It's already happening within myself.

And it hurts...

"God has the hammer and the chisel. He is perfecting His masterpiece. And every hit is going to hurt."

Oof.