Sunday, June 24, 2012


Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you,
If you leave it you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

~ David Wagoner ~


Today I had to say goodbye to four very special people in my life.

Two - Karen and Al - were my pastors for three years before Curtis and Cindy came. They were there for me through so much... Karen was the second person I ever told about being suicidal (Jessica being the first, so that she could come with me to tell Karen), and she walked with me through that for a long time. The two of them had opened their home to all of us youth, and I spent a lot of time there. I've learned so much through them, stuff about spirituality, prayer, worship, and having such a relationship with Jesus that it just comes through and is a part of every single thing you do, rather than just at Sunday morning church service. They weren't my pastors for the past four years, they were stationed at Booth Centre as the directors, but they were still around and I still saw them once in a while. Now they have been transferred to BC, and I will no longer see them once in a while. Of course there's always FB and stuff, but it's just not the same, ya know?

I also had to say goodbye to Curtis and Cindy. That was the hardest goodbye. They've been the pastors at Weston for four years, and I've grown so much with them here! They don't have children, but I really felt like they became spiritual parents for me. They were one of the first people I told about my sexuality, and they have walked with me through that, giving me support and standing up for me when others have criticised. I've had many great conversations with them both, so many meetings of the minds you could say. Especially with Cindy, we often went for walks together during my lunch break, and would talk about lots of different things. I'll miss those walks... There's so many things that I will miss about them! I'll miss those little ear tweaks Curtis would give me when he'd walk by me. I'll miss the wit passed between us.

I've been in conversation with Jesus throughout the day today, and he has constantly been telling me that he knows exactly how I feel. When he came to earth, he had to leave heaven behind, leave his Father's side, and all the angels. He was in constant communication with his Father through prayer of course, but it's just not the same. It's like how I feel about keeping in contact with Karen, Al, Curtis, and Cindy: FB is just not the same... I will miss seeing them and speaking with them face to face. I know God will bless them where they are going: Karen and Al to BC, and Curtis and Cindy to Bermuda. But it is tough saying goodbye!

I had a bit of a cry tonight though. I cried some at the art show artist meeting I was at tonight... We had a prayer time, and I asked for prayer for courage and strength to get through this, and so when Shayani came over and started praying for me, I lost it... Then tonight when Jo and I got home, we had a good heart to heart chat (we both had stuff we needed to get out), I had a bit of a cry with her too. But I think that it's a good thing. I think it's healthy to be able to have and express those emotions.

I know I'll get through this. I have Jesus. But I still frickin miss the four of them... ='(