This past Tuesday, my roomies and I had our potluck/secret Santa gift exchange. It was really nice and really fun! =) But it got me thinking on other Christmas memories, and most of them are not so great... The two that stand out the most for me are the one year (can't remember when, but prolly 2003...) when my mom and Wayne fought pretty much all day, and then 2004...
In 2003 (or whatever year it was, I'll just say '03...) the fighting started right at the breakfast table. I don't even remember what they were fighting about, but I was sitting at the dining room table and they were in the kitchen literally screaming at each other... and I remember screaming at them, "THIS IS CHRISTMAS, YOU SHOULDN'T BE FIGHTING!!!" and I ran upstairs and hid in my room for a while... I hated that Christmas...
And then of course, Christmas 2004 was when Wayne was sick... He went to the States to spend Christmas with his sisters because we all knew the end was near and we wanted him to spend that last Christmas with his biological family so he could say his goodbyes. He ended up in the hospital for a few days down there, but made it back here before New Years, and went straight into the hospital again, and never came out. He died January 3, 2005. Worst memory of my life. And every Christmas since then has been really hard, though it is getting easier... I never forget him, but it is getting easier... Even now as I'm typing this, I have tears running down my face... I miss you so much Wayne... ='( I know he's with Jesus, that was made very clear to me the day that Faye spoke at the Bible dedication at church, and I am glad that he doesn't have to live in pain in his earthly body anymore, but it still hurts.... I miss his stupid little laugh lol, I miss how most of his shirts had at least a little bit of pink, I miss being silly with him in a way I was never able to be silly with my mom, I miss riding with him in his truck, I miss his jokes, I miss his hugs, I miss how he would always come visit me at work on Wednesdays when he was in town, I miss our Sunday lunches that were just me and him... He was like a father to me, he was my dad. Of course he wasn't perfect, nobody ever is, but he was my dad.
When I think about everything I've been through, everything I've dealt with, everything I've overcome since he died, I can only say that it is by God's grace that I am who I am today... I often think about what he would think about things I've done, choices I've made... I can honestly say that when I look at my life, I know he'd be proud of me. I know he'd be proud of me no matter what I do or what I choose. It's comforting to know that he's up in Heaven, hanging out with Jesus, watching over me. Lol I can almost imagine him talking with other people up there, saying, "Hey look, that's Stacey, that's my daughter!"
I know I've said this before, I've said it many times, but I know that God sent Wayne into my life for a purpose. Even though he was only around for what seems like a few short years (it was actually about 10 years, wow...), it was through him that God showed me what it's like to have a father. Now I'm able to make the connection between God and Father, because I've experienced it in my family. Now I can truly understand what it means to call God Abba,(which is actually more like Daddy rather than Father... More intimate, wouldn't you say? I mean, a father could just be a sperm donor, but it takes a relationship to be a daddy.
Speaking of fathers... I've been doing a lot of thinking about my own biological father... I still don't really know what to do with that... It's been a year now since my mom made that first step of contact with him... I've found him on Facebook cuz my mom got me to look up his email address one time... I wonder if he's found me... Hmmm.... If - IF - I were to contact him, I'd prolly send him a FB message... I've found my younger half-brother too... I saw him when he came with his dad to Weston that one time, but I never met him...
Anyways, I think I'm done with this entry... I still need to fold my laundry and get some cards done before I head to bed... I'm very much looking forward to going to Weston in the morning! =D Especially since I missed it last week cuz I was sick... Until next time! =)
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Saturday, December 19, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Jesus I thank You for everyone You've sent my way this week... Even though none of them really know what's going on, they were there reassuring me, praying with me and for me, loving me, even when I tried to push them away. I cannot thank them enough for what they've done for me, without them, Lord, it is them who have given me the hope and the will to keep going... Thank you for sending them... Help me show them how grateful I am for them all!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
This past week has kinda sucked... Some stuff from the past that I thought I had gotten through has come up again, feelings, temptations... Ugh... I don't even know what triggers this... I know I'm not alone, but sometimes it feels like I am... I hate talking to people about it when it's going on cuz I don't wanna burden them with my problems when they have their own problems to deal with...
I wanted to talk to my roommates about it tonight, but one is working tonight (overnight), another is on such a God-high right now, and the other was completely exhausted when she got home... And I don't wanna call someone cuz I hate talking on the phone... So I find myself almost isolating myself, when that is the last thing I should be doing...
I knew this would eventually come up again, I thought I had worked through the major issues that have been problems in the past... And yet here I am having to deal with them still... Is there ever an end to this?
I feel so inadequate and unaccomplished... What the heck am I doing with my life? I've missed out on so much, I've passed up so many things... I'm so unmotivated to do anything...