Saturday, May 30, 2009

"I'm Not Who I Was" Brandon Heath

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you...

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

"Hero (Red Pill Remix)" Superchic[k]

No one sits with him, he doesn't fit in
But we feel like we do when we make fun of him
Cuz you want to belong, do you go along?
Cuz his pain is the price paid for you to belong?
It's not like you hate him or want him to die
But maybe he goes home and thinks suicide
Or he comes back to school with a gun at his side
Any kindness from you might have saved his life

Heroes are made when you make a choice

You could be a hero, heroes do what's right
You could be a hero, you might save a life
You could be a hero, you could join the fight
For what's right, for what's right, for what's right

No one talks to her, she feels so alone
She's in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she is brave
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way
Each moment of courage her own life she saves
When she throws the pills out, a hero is made

Heroes are made when you make a choice

You could be a hero, heroes do what's right
You could be a hero, you might save a life
You could be a hero, you could join the fight
For what's right, for what's right, for what's right

No one talks to him about how he lives
He thinks that the choices he makes are just his
Doesn't know he's a leader with the way he behaves
And others will follow the choices he's made
He lives on the edge, he's old enough to decide
His brother who wants to be him is just nine
He can do what he wants because it's his right
But choices he makes change a nine year old life

Heroes are made when you make a choice

You could be a hero, heroes do what's right
You could be a hero, you might save a life
You could be a hero, you could join the fight
For what's right, for what's right, for what's right

Little Mikey D was in the one class who everyday got brutally harassed
This went on for years until he decided that never again would he shed another tear
So he walked through the door, grabbed the 44 out of his father's dresser drawer and said I can't take life no more
And like that life can be lost
But this ain't even about that
All of us just sat back and watched it happen
Thinkin' it's not our responsibility to solve a problem that isn't even about me
This is our problem
This is just one of the daily scenarios which we choose to close our eyes instead of doing the right thing
If we make a choice and be the voice for those who won't speak up for themselves
How many lives would be saved, changed, and rearranged?
Now it's our time to pick a side
So don't keep walking by
Don't wanna intervene cuz you just wanna exist and never be seen
So let's wake up, change the world
Our time is now

You could be a hero, heroes do what's right
You could be a hero, you might save a life
You could be a hero, you could join the fight
For what's right, for what's right, for what's right

You could be a hero, heroes do what's right
You could be a hero, you might save a life
You could be a hero, you could join the fight
For what's right, for what's right, for what's right

Lunch Today!

I got to have two lunches today! Well actually the first was like breakfast cuz I hadn't eaten anything yet up til then... I ate with LA, it was really good =) we went to Timmy's, she ordered food and I just had an apple (I did bring lasagna but didn't have time to eat it there lol) we had some really good conversation! We talked about how things are going between me and Dennis, and about the house, and about life in general. I love talking with LA, she makes me feel so good about myself! =) not that other people don't lol but LA in particular today made me feel really good about decisions I've made =) lol I almost cried...

Anyways, after lunch at Timmy's, we went to Shoppers Drug Mart, then she had to get to class. When I was standing at the bus stop waiting for my bus to go home, I had the opportunity for ministry, it was cool! Now I don't want to boast or anything here, this is just what happened... There was a man there asking people for spare change. I didn't have any to give him, but I watched as people passed him by... It was interesting to see how people reacted to him... Some shook their heads and shrugged their shoulders saying sorry they didn't have any, some just ignored him, one that was walking towards me I heard mutter under his breath that he should get a job (on a side note, I get really annoyed with people's ignorance... It's not that easy to just get a job when you live on the streets...), but a couple people dropped some change in his cup.

Then I heard the Spirit speak to me, that little voice in my head telling me to go sit with him... Of course, my first reaction was, "you want me to do WHAT???" but it pushed me, "go sit with him, offer him your cookies..." so I went over, I didn't sit but I crouched and asked him if he was hungry and if he wanted my cookies. He said yes and took them and was really thankful. Then I asked when he last had a meal. He said he ate this morning but only a little bit, so I offered to get him something. Oh man, if you could only have seen the way his eyes lit up... He jumped up and smiled and asked if he could have Burger King, so we went to BK.

We chatted a bit, he asked about my hat (I was wearing my S.A. cap) and we talked about the Booth Centre. I bought him what he wanted, and also a bottle of water for him to take with him. He was so grateful, I almost cried... I got myself some onion rings, and we ate together and chatted some more. Then we parted ways.

Overall, my afternoon was really great =)

Monday, May 25, 2009

And Another Great Day! =)

Today was about the greatest day all weekend! =) first of all, because I actually got to enjoy the beautiful sunny 22 degree weather! =D

Okay wait, I'll start at the beginning of my day lol! Weston was great this morning! =D Curtis spoke on the Spirit being like the wind, it was good, God really spoke to me through Curtis... I've been putting off talking to my mom about the house because i'm afraid of getting into an argument with her... I'm scared she might be more against it than I am for it (we can both be really stubborn...) and will keep pushing her point til I give in... But what have I to fear? God has promised that He will provide! And I truly believe that God is sending me to this house, and if that's the case, then He will provide a way for me to get there! I just have to take the steps He lays out for me to follow... And talking with my mom is the next step...

Back on topic here... Lol Berni brought me like 1.5 dozen cookies from her work, half-baked like I requested! =D they were what I asked for for babysitting her son a couple weeks ago... =D so I shared =)

Then at the end of the service, Karen was up with the worship team to help since the cadets were away, and during our "hootenany" (as Rob calls it lol) we did Blessed Be Your Name, which is our fave rock-out song! Aaahhhhh it was so great to do it with Karen again! =D

I went to the Hoeft's after church to celebrate Al's birthday, we had a bbq =) and I was outside ALL DAY enjoying the sunshine! =) with a hat on and drinking water of course! It was HOT out, the UV must've been really high! I think I might've even burned my arms a bit, but I can't tell why exactly they're red, cuz I was scratching them... I guess we'll see in the morning! =)

Then I went to Booth Centre (with a bunch of other Weston worship team peeps), we were there to help Karen lead worship. It was really cool! And at the end I got to sing with Karen AGAIN! =D (I had been sitting in the pew with Georgio, who was doing the Easy Worship) we did Blessed AGAIN, and Days of Elijah! I was so super thrilled! =D

I have been there for a Sunday night service before, but what really hit me tonight was how amazing the attendees are! I mean, many of them are homeless, and addicts, and there they were worshipping God! And we had a time of prayer requests, and there were many that wanted prayer for OTHERS! They were bringing other people in their lives, lifting their names before God and praying for them! I felt so ashamed... How often do I just pray for myself? And yet here were the cast-offs of society, lifting OTHERS up in prayer.

And it hit me: this is the church! These homeless addicts (now i'm not generalising the congregation, or assuming the worst of people, but this is how it was...) were the greatest examples I've seen! Call me crazy, but I wish I was more like them in my prayer time... Father please help me grow closer to You through prayer time with You...

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Chewy Pineapple Cookie Recipe!

Yield: 5 dozen

1 cup brown sugar
1 cup granulated sugar
1 cup shortening
2 eggs
1 (20oz.) can crushed pineapple, drained
1 1/2 tsp vanilla
4 cups flour
1/2 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder

Stir vanilla into pineapple; set aside. Cream shortening, sugars, and eggs. Add pineapple and stir until well blended.

In separate bowl, combine flour, salt, baking soda, and baking powder; mix well.

Stir flour mixture gradually into pineapple mixture until thoroughly combined. Drop by spoonful onto ungreased cookie sheets. Bake at 350 degrees for 12-15 minutes.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Happiness Vs Joy

I was reflecting today on the difference between happiness and joy. I was asked recently how I could be so happy and chipper when things seem like crap. I don't wanna go into details now, that's not what this blog entry is about... But that question really made me think...

Am I actually happy? Most of the time I don't really feel happy... But I portray that I am, and keep most of my negative feelings to myself. Don't get me wrong, I do share how I feel even when it's negative... But the way I see it is that those who ask me how I feel don't necessarily cause the way I feel, so why should I take my negative emotions out on them? For example, if I'm feeling really irritated about something that happened at home, and then I get to work, I'll share that I'm ticked, but I try to be friendly and happy, cuz nobody at work caused me to be in that mood.

Is this what joy is? Choosing to be positive even though you feel negative? I know that joy is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, so is this a fruit that is flourishing in me?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect and sometime I do take things out of people who don't deserve it, and I'm sorry for that...

But getting back to what was asked of me... How am I so happy? I thought about it actually, I counted my blessings I guess you could say... I thought about even though my mom and I really don't get along most of the time, she still provides for me, she still wants what's best for me, she's taught me a lot through the years, and she loves me a whole heck of a lot! And I love her too, I really do!

I thought about my amazing friends, some older friends from the past, and some newer friends... Friends at school, at church, at work... Friends that have been here with me, guiding me, supporting me, laughing with me, crying with me, building me up, loving me... Wow... I know I've blogged about my friends many times already, but they are not to be taken for granted and I am always in awe at how much they have influenced me. To all of you, words really cannot express how much I love you and how much I am grateful for you! Thank you so much!

I thought about how privileged I am to have a job. Yeah, sometimes I whine and complain about it, but when I'm there working, I love it! I love cooking, I love the adrenaline rush of working rushes and getting food out in under 15 minutes, and knowing we can rely on each other as a team! I love the people I work with (most of them LOL!) I've made some awesome friends through work, friends that I love dearly!

I thought about church, and how I have the freedom to worship God like that! And my church family, where would I be without you guys? You've been mentors, confidants, buddies. I've learned so much from many of you, and I thank God for you!

I thought about school, and how I actually made it through! How many people in our world can't afford to even attend school at 12 years of age? That would be grade 7! So many kids around the world drop out at that point to apprentice under their parents... I've been so blessed to have a mom who has paid my tuition fees so that I didn't have to take out a student loan! I do have to pay her back, mind you, but interest free! Going to Booth College has been one of the greatest things in my life, because I have been challenged, and from that I have grown, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Not just from course material itself (though much of it did help), but from the experience itself. And not to mention the great friends I have met there! At Booth, I really began to open up to the world. I really began to come out of my comfortable recluse world and began to let people in, people I knew would not necessarily be physically in my life after college, especially talking about cadets (who are only here for two years).

These last two years especially, I have really opened up to the cadets. I remember the very first cadets who were here, I grew very close to one in particular, and it really hurt when they were commissioned. I wasn't sure if I wanted to do that again... But I did, because I've come to realise that the friendships made are so worth the separation that comes! Besides, there's always facebook... =P I've made quite a few close friends, people I've been able to talk about really personal stuff with... Even now, as some of them will be commissioned soon, I am okay with that (like I really have a choice LOL!) I'm not dreading them leaving, but rather I'm quite excited for them to get to their appointments!

Finally, I thought about God and what He has done in my life. I know how cliché that may sound, but it is so true! And I'm not just talking about the cross, though that's a huge part of it, but what's He's doing TODAY in me! He has sparked a passion in me, and He is placing everything I need right in front of me! At church this past Sunday, we had a time of short testimony, a prayer time where we were able to express to God why we love Him. I said that I love Him because He has never left me, and nothing has ever been more real to me! It is really sinking in just how much He loves me, because He has never EVER left me, even when I tried to leave Him... Even though I walked through some really dark and scary times, He has always been right there, even though I ignored Him. The "Footprints" poem has been very meaningful to me, because I have looked back and seen the times when I was done and just ready to give up, and God picked me up and carried me through. God, my humanness could never ever thank you enough for what you have done and what you continue to do for me... I am humbled and I stand in awe at Your power and grace. Who am I? I am Yours!

So why am I so happy? I wouldn't say that I am, I'd say I was joyful. And it's because of friends, because of God, because of love. There's a song called "Love Is a Beautiful Thing" by Group 1 Crew, and I LOVE this song!byge chorus goes, "love is a beautiful thing, it brings together people from every generation, love can heal the pain of a broken world, but it's gotta start with us, and all it takes is love." I truly believe this! Love is the first fruit of the Spirit named, but I remember a sermon series on the fruit, and it was suggested that perhaps the punctuation has been misinterpreted. Try this on for size: "the fruit of the Spirit is love: joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." all these things could be listed under love, because when you love first, all the rest come naturally!

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all thing, hopes all things, endures all things. LOVE NEVER ENDS!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

"Word of God Speak" MercyMe

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest in Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing me eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest in Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

Thursday, May 14, 2009

What A Great Day Today! =)

I really had a great day! =) this morning I cleaned the bathroom at my house, thus finishing my cleaning list for the week, woo!

Then I was able to work on some crossword puzzles from the newspaper from a few days ago. I love doing the newspaper crosswords, I'm starting to get good at them, knowing more and more answers! Yeah, I'm such a nerd, but I'm okay with that LOL!

Then I headed over to Weston to talk to the Butlers about the rest of the youth group nights before we break for summer. They ended up being in a meeting or something, I think cadet evaluations... So I fired off an email with details, I'm quite excited! Next week we're having a football night at the Butlers', I talked to Cindy afterwards and they're good with that. We're having a BBQ/campfire too, which'll be great! =)

Then on the 29th we're going to the opening night of Up, I'm pretty excited about that, it looks cool! Tickets are like $9.50, so I'm gonna clear it with the Butlers if we can use some of the money raised with the April calendars to cover a part of that, then everyone can buy their own snacks.

June 4th we're going to U-Puttz, then possibly to Pizza Hut afterwards as a kind of end-of-youth-group-for-the-summer party lol... I'm not sure what admission to U-Puttz is, but I'm thinking that everyone can pay their own, then use some April calendar money for the pizza. Then hopefully there'll still be some left to save for the fall.

Then on June 16th we're going to the Booth Centre to serve a meal, to return thanks to the Centre for lending us their van in December when we went on our youth group retreat. We were supposed to sweep their parking lot, but that wasn't working out at all so Al decided it'd be better to serve a meal, and I agreed, so I'm pretty excited about that! =)

So that's it for youth group! After getting that all planned out today, I went to KC, and had tons of fun! =D we played ultimate frisbee but with hockey nets, and it was super fun! Then afterwards while the kids were playing gym games, I had a really good chat with Melissa and Debi about a couple different things happening in my life, it was really good to share it and be okay with sharing with them =)

Then at youth group, I realised as I was setting up my wii that I forgot my nunchuks and my games, but luckily Horace had brought a couple of his Game Cube games and controllers and his memory card, so it worked out =) it was just me, Horace, and Jason there tonight, but it was cool nonetheless.

Then instead of having to bus home, Horace's older brother drove me and Jason home, THANKS JAN!!! =)

At home, I finished my crosswords (without looking at the answers, which didn't have anyways lol) then headed upstairs to where I am now to write this blog! Oh yeah, Carissa from work called me and asked if I could work 9-5 tomorrow, to which I said yes, yay for hours! =D

So now that it's 12:45, I should get to bed, since I now have to be up at 8. Hurray for energy drinks! I'll definitely need one by about 2 tomorrow lol...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


I'm lying in bed, exhausted and yet wide awake. It is POURING outside! I love the rain, partly because of all the good memories it brings to mind =)

Right now thought it makes me think of a certain memory, of being kissed in the rain for the first time... It was with Dennis, and it was SO cold cuz of the rain, but he was walking me home from work. And as we were walking through the mall parking lot, he stopped me and gave me a kiss. Lol he even said he did it so that I can't say anymore that I've never been kissed in the rain, so sweet =)

I still miss him... I know it's not gonna get easier overnight, but it will one day. I worked with him tonight and it was kinda awkward at first, I don't really know why... But it got better as the night went on. The thing I miss most right now is just holding his hand... I actually almost grabbed it tonight at work, but stopped myself cuz I know that I have to keep boundaries.

I was asked last night if I regretted my decision, and I gaven an honest answer. Even though I miss him so much it hurts, I don't regret my decision because my relationship with God is more important to me than anything.

People have told me that it was very mature of me, but I just see it as obedience, not maturity. I will admit I think I handled it maturely I guess... But I wan't at all concerned about that...

I don't want it to seem like I'm "living in the past" or that I "can't get over him", but I do wanna make it clear that I do need to relearn how to be his friend and not his girlfriend. And I need to relearn how to see him as my friend and not as my recent ex-boyfriend (and I don't mean that negatively). It's a lot of feelings and letting go that I need to work through, and it'll take some time.

I would like to keep blogging about this, after all it is a big part of my life right now. But I've thought about what to actually write down because I know that he will prolly read this, and I don't want to send any wrong messages... Although we haven't really talked about this, I realise that he is prolly going through a lot of the same things I am...

On another note, the power in my house just went out... Ugh... Okay, I'll take that as a sign that I need to go to sleep lol...

Monday, May 11, 2009

Harder Than I Imagined

It's been three days since I broke up with Dennis, and it's been harder than I thought... I don't regret doing it, cuz it's something I needed to do, but I miss him. I miss him a lot.

We are still friends and I love it! We've worked together twice already, and it was great, we got along, we laughed, and I really didn't feel awkward at all, which is great! =)

I was putting my sweater on yesterday after getting home from work, and it smelled like his cologne, and I almost cried cuz it reminded me of all the great times we've had together, all those times we've hung out, all the hugs and kisses... I really miss that...

Please don't get me wrong, I love that we're still able to be friends! I would hate to think that we would lose that... But I really miss being closer... But I know that this better for both of us, and it will get easier. Just gotta keep pushing forward, and keep praying and clinging to Jesus.

Friday, May 8, 2009

I Can Blog About This Now...

Now that it's done, I can talk about it... This morning I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 and a half months. Not that I really wanted to, because he was the most amazing guy ever. He was a gentleman, very kind, and we like much of the same things and have pretty much the same sense of humour, so we get each others jokes.

But he's not Christian. This wasn't a problem for me at first because I had strayed away from God so that wasn't a priority for me then. But these past couple weeks I've been getting back on track, trying to get closer with God again. And I really wanted to talk with him about it, about what I was going through, and I couldn't. He did grow up in a Christian home, but he does not have Christ in his heart so I found that it was hard to talk about spiritual matters with him, knowing that he doesn't have that same connection with God and therefore wouldn't really understand. And this kinds bothered me...

Not that I'm blaming him or anything... But I knew that in the future, this would become an even bigger problem for me, for us, so I knew that I had to end this sooner rather than later... Though I have been carrying this around with me for the past couple weeks, and I know I should've done this sooner than I did, and for that I am sorry.

I felt like crap having to do it, because it was my own fault for getting into this... I actually had a few Christian friends warn me that this could happen, and it did. After he left my house I curled up in the chair and cried my eyes out... Then I got up and did some laundry cuz I had to wash my dress for the ice cream social at night... Then I was talking to Ruth on MSN, and told her what happened, and she invited me over for supper, which was good =) we didn't really talk about it too much, which I'm thankful for cuz I prolly would've cried some more... We were being entertained by her 15-month-old lol he was being so cute =)

I have no regrets other than waiting so long... This was the best relationship I've been in and I enjoyed every moment of it =) we do still wanna be friends, and I really think we can be. I know that it doesn't always work, but I think that once we get past the initial awkwardness, we'll be okay =)

That's all I have for now... Please keep both of us in your prayers =)

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I Love My Friends =)

So often we take our friends for granted... Today I have realised that I have done it again. But I was able to spend time with a couple different friends! I had lunch with a really great friend with whom I chatted about a couple different things... I love talking with friends like her because they make me feel comfortable in sharing with them, while also not being afraid to tell me how it is. She listened to what I had to say, and didn't take sides at all, but did recognise that this decision is ultimately mine to make... The thing with talking with her is that she knows both sides of what I'm dealing with, so she's got more perspective to share with me. She also really urged me in another area of life that I need to get done asap... Sigh...

I was also encouraged be many people today as I went for a job interview. Many people, some unexpected people, messaged me, telling me that they were praying for me, wishing me well. Un thinking about it afterwards, I was almost overwhelmed with how many people in my life have been blessings... =)

I was also privileged to work with awesome people tonight at work! I'm not saying that those people are my favourite people to work with or anything like that, but I had a lot of fun and laughed a lot at work tonight =) a couple even asked how my interview went, cuz I had been talking about it the night before, and they had remembered.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that friends are such a huge blessing, they encourage, strengthen, support, even push. Most of all, they love. And I must say that I love them all too =) you guys are seriously amazing, and I don't even know where I'd be without you all. You've all impacted my life in different ways, and I'm so thankful for every single one of you! I love you all so much! =)

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Job Interview Tomorrow!

Last week I sent in an application for the Kids Club Assistant at the Salvation Army Multicultural Family Centre, and today I got a call for an interview! =D it's tomorrow at 2pm, and the job would start next Monday! $9.25/hr, 27-30 hrs a week, til the end of August, PLUS still working evenings at Smitty's, I'd say it's looking to be a pretty sweet summer, woo! =D

Saturday, May 2, 2009

new phone! =D

This morning I gots me a blackberry pearl! It was free with a three year plan, and I'm super excited, mainly cuz now I have facebook again, yay! =D. So now I'm just trying to get used to the qwerty set-up rather than the number pad... It's taking some time but I'm getting it! Lol I have only had it since this morning, and then I worked til 5... Oh well, slowly but surely! =P

Friday, May 1, 2009

"Walls" Karen Kingsbury and Richie McDonald

Sometimes life is a question you don’t want to ask
Sorting through the lonely broken pieces of your past
When you can’t find a reason, the will or the way
Every second here's another breath you know you have to take

The answer is there hiding in the lies
It’s gonna be alright

When the walls fall down and you find the truth
Shadows run for cover, light comes shining through
Every chance you take could be your saving grace
There’s a calm inside your soul that’s only found
When the walls fall down

Don’t know where you’re going but you see the other side
Your heart's feeling something you can almost recognize
Yesterday is gone, tomorrow’s in the wind
Here and now you know it’s where you’re second chance begins

You don’t ask why, there’s hope in your eyes
It's gonna be alright

When the walls fall down and you find the truth
Shadows run for cover, light comes shining through
Every chance you take could be your saving grace
There’s a calm inside your soul that’s only found
When the walls fall down

Tears on your face say what you can’t say
What you believe can set you free

When the walls fall down and you find the truth
Shadows run for cover, light comes shining through
Every chance you take could be your saving grace
There’s a calm inside your soul that’s only found
When the walls fall down