Sunday, December 23, 2012

PostSecret

I love reading the weekly PostSecret Sunday Secrets. This week, there was an email at the bottom that I thought was just awesome. Here it is:

I was at the PostSecret Event in London. I didn't find the courage to go up to the microphone, but if I had been able to, this is what I would have said.

I spent so long feeling guilty, feeling ashamed of my sadness, and you know what? It just made me sadder. You are allowed to be sad, you are allowed to be angry, you're allowed to be depressed. We all deserve to feel our own sadness in our own time.

Something you will have heard before - you deserve to be happy. That, of course, is not always easy to hear, especially in the depths of depression - so let me add something. You deserve to be happy - but you don't have to be happy right now or all the time.

It is okay to be sad, it's okay to not be ready to be happy yet. One day you will be ready to recover - that day doesn't have to be today or even tomorrow, as long as you know and trust me that it will come.

It's okay not to be okay.

Thanks for everything Frank,

Holly, London

P.S My secret is that I decided last night that I'm ready to recover and it's going to be incredible.

Love it. Not really much else to be said. Thank you Holly =)

Thursday, December 20, 2012

The Salvation Army and the LGBT Community

I came across a link that was posted on Facebook by a few of my friends - LGBT Discrimination: Debunking the Lie.

Good article, basically saying that whoever comes to The Salvation Army for help, they will get it. Doesn't matter what their colour is, their class, their gender, their sexual orientation, etc.

Within the article is a link to a statement from The Salvation Army Northern Division (Minnesota and North Dakota), their "response to false accusations claiming that The Salvation Army discriminates against the LGBT community and pays lobbyists to fight against their interests."

Within that statement, it says this:

The Salvation Army embraces employees of many different faiths and orientations and abides by all applicable anti-discrimination laws in its hiring.

Mmhmm... So, that's why I was told that I could no longer be hired to run the kids' church at CFOT in-Sundays because I had come out as bisexual? Because CFOT "has a reputation to uphold"? That was the message that was passed along to me through my corps officer at the time.

I understand that at this time of year, The Salvation Army needs people to donate to the kettle campaign, and sometimes people don't want to donate because they hear that TSA discriminates against the LGBT community. Actually, this past Tuesday when I did a kettle shift, there were two people that stopped by and were like, "Didn't you know that The Salvation Army doesn't support gays?" It actually led to a short conversation with the second person, and I was able to share about how I'm openly bisexual and still accepted and actively involved with my corps.

What gets to me is that TSA wants these "rumours" to stop, and yet these "rumours" aren't entirely untrue. Yes, I will agree that TSA will serve everyone who needs help, regardless of sexual orientation (or gender, or colour, etc.) But I will not agree with something that is not true, at least in my experience.

Do I think people should donate to the kettle campaign? Absolutely! I still support TSA. I know there are a lot of programs that run out of my corps, and 80% of funds raised through our kettles comes back to the corps to support those programs. And these are some really great programs that are much needed in the community.

But I will also stand by the truth.

/end rant.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Vlog #2!

Not sure why, but the audio is really crappy in this one! And the video is terrible, but that's because of a terrible webcam >.< But it's all in sync, yay!!! =D

If you're interested in checking out the IHOP-KC 24/7 prayer room I was talking about, click here!

If you're interested in checking out SHOP that's here in Winnipeg, click here!

If you're wondering what music I had playing in the background, it was my iPod on random, but this is what played:
"I Belong To You" by Superchick (album: Last One Picked)
"You Are Always There" by Stephan LePage (album: Joshua Project - Worship)
"All Men Are Broken" by Misty Edwards (album: Onething Live - Magnificent Obsession)
"Your Grace Still Amazes Me" by Phillips, Craig and Dean (album: Let My Words Be Few)
"Refusing" by Stereotrap (album: Stereotrap)
"I Can Only Imagine" by MercyMe (album: Almost There)
"Small" by Amanda Falk (album: Amanda Falk)

Thursday, October 25, 2012

"Turn It All Around" Misty Edwards



I knew what I was getting into, and I still like you
I knew what I was getting into

He says, for only I can see the end from the beginning
And only I can see where this is going
When you see only your weakness, I see the seeds of righteousness and love in you
I know where you are going

And I am not shocked by your brokenness
I am not disgusted by your humanity
I know you better than that
And I know you even better, even better than you know yourself
Listen, my beloved

I knew what I was getting into when I called you
(And I want you)
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name, but I said it just the same
(You're failure does not surprise me)
I knew what I was getting into and I still like you
(So don't draw back)
I knew what I was getting into

And I have no regrets about calling you, none at all
Cuz only I can see the end from the beginning
And only I can see where this is going
And I see in you real love

When all you see is the struggle, I see the fight
(I see the heart cry)
I see you there on your bed at night
(You long to love me, I see it clearly)
You say, "I really wanna be yours God! I really hate my sin!"
I see you
(And I receive that cry from you)

And I say, all that I'm asking is that you fight the good fight
(And you cry out to me)
I will answer you
(I will help you)
My beloved one
(I do love you more than you know)
You have no idea the way you move me
(You move heart, my beloved ones)

Of all of the world of my Father's house, it doesn't move me
Of all of the nations, they don't move me
But you...

I knew what I was getting into when I called you
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name
(Don't hate yourself, because I love you)

Just be honest, come be real
(Do not despise who you are, because I love you)
I know your frame, I know you are but dust
But I see the gold
(I see the gold in your heart)
I see the strength

I knew what I was getting into when I called you
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name
I said it just the same

Just don't give up, don't give in
If you don't quit, you win, you win
Just don't give up, don't give in
If you don't quit, you win, you win

Cuz everything is in my hands
It's gonna be alright, you're gonna be okay
(If you could see what I see when I look at you, you would rejoice)
Everything is in my hands
It's gonna be alright, you're gonna be okay
(If you could see what I see when I look at you, says the Lord, your hearts would rejoice)
Everything is in my hands
(I have such plans)
It's gonna be alright, you're gonna be okay
(We have a great future together forever, if you could only see)

Just don't, just don't give up, don't give in
If you don't quit, you win, you win
Just don't give up, don't give in
If you don't quit, you win, you win

He's gonna turn it all around, just wait and see
He's gonna make everything beautiful, just in time
He's gonna turn it all around, just wait and see
He's gonna make everything beautiful, just in time

Just don't give up, don't give in
If you don't quit, you win, you win
Just don't give up, don't give in
If you don't quit, you win, you win

Everything is in my hands
It's gonna be alright, you're gonna be okay
It's gonna be alright...

Just fight the good fight
Fight the good fight
Fight the good fight
Fight the good fight
Fight the good fight
And don't give up

Just don't give up, don't give in
If you don't quit, you win, you win
It's all that I'm asking you

Don't give up, don't give in
If you don't quit, you win, you win

He's gonna turn it all around, just wait and see
He's gonna make everything beautiful, just in time
He's gonna turn it all around, just wait and see
He's gonna make everything beautiful, just in time

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Quarter-Life Crisis

My friend Alison had a guest post on another blog today (here), and she talked about how she's gone through a "quarter-life crisis." It kinda made something click in my head: I guess you could say that I've been going through a bit of that myself.

A mid-life crisis happens at about 50, and you question things in your life, and want to make changes.

That's what I'm going through now, except I'm only just 25.

I want a change of work...

I think about a change of relationship status (I used to think I'd be married by now...)

I'm unsure about future goals...

That's not to say that I don't like where I am in my life... No, I'm not where I want to be, but it's not terrible here. I love my living situation. I love my roommate. I love the kids I work with at the daycare. I love the relationship I'm currently in.

But I don't want to be at the daycare for 10 years, or even 5. I want to run a kitchen, be the head chef.

I don't want to stay in just a dating relationship. This one's tricky with timing though, and I understand that. Alex and I have only been dating for just over 5 months, so it's really too soon in my opinion to start talking about marriage... But I can't help but think about the future. Can I see myself marrying him? Will I have the same opinion in a year?

There's so much I want to do with my life. But there's not really any clear way to do it. There's always something stopping me or preventing me from moving forward...

And as I write this, the perfect song just played on my iPod...



Oh Jesus, You always have a way of putting things back into perspective......

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Please Stay Alive

This is something that Jamie Tworkowski posted on the TWLOHA blog. Very interesting, I challenge you to read it and really think about what's happening in our world when it comes to suicide. It's tough. It's heartbreaking. But is it worth it in order to save a life? To learn the facts, to recognise the signs, and to reach out and make a difference in the life of someone who needs you?

Please Stay Alive

Monday, September 17, 2012

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Finger of God

I'm watching the movie "Finger of God," and it begins by showing a quote from Bono that says, "Religion is what you have left when the Spirit leaves the building."

It sparked a thought in me about part of what I've been going through this weekend... I'm realising that the religion that I've been brought up in, that's always been a part of my Christian walk, is starting to be separated from me. I've never liked religion, I've always said that it's a bunch of man-made rules, mostly based on Scripture, but some are like moral rules... And yet because I've been a part of the Salvation Army Weston pretty much my whole life, I've grown up within that religion.

And I'm realising that God is starting to bring me out of that, and bringing me more and more into His Kingdom.

Separation is always tough. It hurts. And I'm starting to see that that's why I've been struggling and trying to run from God this weekend.

Of course this isn't to say that I'm needing to leave the church. I believe that church fellowship is still very important to Christians. I believe that with the Scotts here at Weston, there's gonna be a radical change. And Jesus is prepping me for that.

Jesus, I need to trust you in this...

Friday, September 7, 2012

Spiritual Smackdown.

Jesus frickin loves oxymorons. He just gave me the most gentlest loving smackdown I've ever had in my life.

I was at the first session of the Passion for Jesus conference tonight, and God began revealing myself to me.

I feel like I'm afraid to hear his voice.

I feel like I'm afraid of what he's going to tell me.

When in reality, he's only wanting to show me me in order for me to stop running away from him.

Because he frickin loves me! And he wants me to come to him. And he's calling me to him.

And yet I'm afraid to even listen to his voice.

All night, I've felt like he's been wanting to say something to me, and I've just been shutting him out, not wanting to hear it.

Why?

"Perfect love casts out all fear." 1 John 4:18

I don't understand the love that Jesus has for me. It's difficult for me to accept something I just can't wrap my mind around.

That verse continues to say that fear implies punishment. And yet I know that God's "punishment" is gentle and kind and so loving. Why do I fear it?

I almost feel like Adam and Eve... They walked with God. Physically walked with God. Saw him face to face, everyday, with no fear. And then they sinned. And they hid from God. Because they were afraid.

I'm a sinner. I've been a sinner my whole life. I'll be a sinner until the day I die. When God has pointed out my sin to me, I've never been afraid of his correction. Stubborn sometimes, most times, all the time, but never afraid.

So what's with this fear now?

It frustrates me too. I'm frustrated with myself for being unable to just move past this and just get to Jesus. I feel like there's something in the way of me getting there. Is it myself holding myself back? Is it that fear that's keeping me from fully running to him?

When it comes to the every day stuff, I have no problem with chatting with Jesus. I have no problem praying for other people. But when it comes to Jesus telling me something right now, I'm terrified. For what reason?

Am I afraid of what God's wanting to show me about the inmost me?

Am I afraid of the commitment God's wanting me to make to him?

Am I afraid of what God's about to lead me into?

Am I afraid of God?

Am I afraid of all of the above?

Yup.

Please pray for me.....

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Lost

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you,
If you leave it you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

~ David Wagoner ~

Goodbyes.

Today I had to say goodbye to four very special people in my life.

Two - Karen and Al - were my pastors for three years before Curtis and Cindy came. They were there for me through so much... Karen was the second person I ever told about being suicidal (Jessica being the first, so that she could come with me to tell Karen), and she walked with me through that for a long time. The two of them had opened their home to all of us youth, and I spent a lot of time there. I've learned so much through them, stuff about spirituality, prayer, worship, and having such a relationship with Jesus that it just comes through and is a part of every single thing you do, rather than just at Sunday morning church service. They weren't my pastors for the past four years, they were stationed at Booth Centre as the directors, but they were still around and I still saw them once in a while. Now they have been transferred to BC, and I will no longer see them once in a while. Of course there's always FB and stuff, but it's just not the same, ya know?

I also had to say goodbye to Curtis and Cindy. That was the hardest goodbye. They've been the pastors at Weston for four years, and I've grown so much with them here! They don't have children, but I really felt like they became spiritual parents for me. They were one of the first people I told about my sexuality, and they have walked with me through that, giving me support and standing up for me when others have criticised. I've had many great conversations with them both, so many meetings of the minds you could say. Especially with Cindy, we often went for walks together during my lunch break, and would talk about lots of different things. I'll miss those walks... There's so many things that I will miss about them! I'll miss those little ear tweaks Curtis would give me when he'd walk by me. I'll miss the wit passed between us.

I've been in conversation with Jesus throughout the day today, and he has constantly been telling me that he knows exactly how I feel. When he came to earth, he had to leave heaven behind, leave his Father's side, and all the angels. He was in constant communication with his Father through prayer of course, but it's just not the same. It's like how I feel about keeping in contact with Karen, Al, Curtis, and Cindy: FB is just not the same... I will miss seeing them and speaking with them face to face. I know God will bless them where they are going: Karen and Al to BC, and Curtis and Cindy to Bermuda. But it is tough saying goodbye!

I had a bit of a cry tonight though. I cried some at the art show artist meeting I was at tonight... We had a prayer time, and I asked for prayer for courage and strength to get through this, and so when Shayani came over and started praying for me, I lost it... Then tonight when Jo and I got home, we had a good heart to heart chat (we both had stuff we needed to get out), I had a bit of a cry with her too. But I think that it's a good thing. I think it's healthy to be able to have and express those emotions.

I know I'll get through this. I have Jesus. But I still frickin miss the four of them... ='(

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Healing

I'm going through some stuff to put up on my walls in my new place. Some of these things are for my encouragement wall. One thing I found was a card from my mom that she had given me this past year for my birthday. On the front, it says, "For my daughter, I'm so lucky to have you in my life." Inside it says this:

Nothing could have prepared me
for the joy of seeing you come into your own.
From the beginning, you had a quiet strength
and determined spirit about you.
But seeing those qualities revealed fully
in the beautiful woman you've become
is more rewarding than I could have ever imagined.
You're everything a parent could
hope for in a daughter.
How lucky I am to call you mine.

I grew up in a home where I constantly felt like a failure. Nothing I did was ever good enough, there was always a flaw somewhere to be pointed out rather than praising whatever good I did my best to do. True, as a teenager, I wasn't the most perfect kid, I did have my moments of purposefully disobeying my mom. But I was a good kid, I never got into trouble with the law, never did drugs, was responsible when it came to going to parties, etc.

Anyways, I grew up thinking that I was never good enough for my mom. And so to get a card like this one, it means so much to me, more than words could ever express!

Thank you Mom! I know our relationship hasn't always been the greatest, but I am so glad and thankful that we've been able to work on it and get to the point where we are now. I look forward to even more healing that's to come. I love you! =)

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Vlog 1!

Here is my first attempt at vlogging! The program I used totally wrecked the sync between video and audio, and I was too lazy tired to rerecord this thing... But I figured out that I can record directly through YouTube, and I tested it, and it syncs the audio quite well, so next time!!! As for now, I apologise, just listen if you need... =P

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Weekend.

Seriously, there are not enough days in the weekend. This weekend went by soooo fast, I don't even know where the time went! But I had a lot of fun!!! =D

Friday night I ended up going to see Sisters of the Holy Rock with the ladies' group at my church, then we went for Timmy's afterwards.

Saturday I went grocery shopping in the morning with my mom, then cleaned up my place a bit (put stuff away, vacuum, move my futon back, couple loads of laundry) cuz Debby came over to check out my apartment. OH BIG NEWS!!!!!!! Hold tight for a sec though, let me finish my weekend! =D

So then Deb and I headed over to St. B. Hospital to visit a mutual friend who is going through some serious mental health issues and so has voluntarily gone in to get help.

Afterwards, Alicia (not Alisha, I probably won't be writing anything concerning her actually, since we don't have any contact anymore), Navindra, and I went to the Salvation Army Thrift Store that's right by the hospital, and we were actually there until they closed lol! It was fun!!! I ended up getting two pairs of jeans, two pairs of shorts, a brown cardigan, and a little gumball machine for just over $30, sa-weeeeet!!!!! =D

So then after that, I went home, did another load of laundry, then Kayla came over for the night! And we had a hair dying party!!! =D

My first round of bleach


Kayla bleaching her bangs


My first round of bleach done


My second round of bleach


After the red. Didn't take any more in between, cuz it was after 3am and we were both exhausted.


What it looks like dry! =D


So I'm quite happy with the result! =D But it did take until 4am to finish, and we had to be up by 9 to get ready for church, so it was a pretty long day today. But fun!

So today! Took Kayla to Weston, and was pleasantly surprised (to say the least!!!) when Brandy and Steve showed up too!!! =D And it ended up being a potluck lunch day, which I had completely forgotten about (whoops...), so we all stayed for lunch. Then I had band practice (I'm learning euphonium!) so the three took off, Bran gave K a ride home.

Then after church, I had a sushi date, then soup van (which ended up not happening cuz there was no soup prepped). So I caught a bus to head home, and when we got back into the downtown core, there was this lady getting off the bus with me who was asking someone else how to get to Calvary Temple. So I stepped in and offered to walk her there. She asked me if I was going there, which I wasn't, but I had plenty of time and was happy to help her out. So we walked, and she chatted the whole way there, it was awesome! =D She's an 84-year-old woman named Catherine, and she talked to me about her husband, who had just passed away this past November. She said to me when we got to the church that she hasn't been able to talk to anyone about her husband without bawling, and here she was talking to me with not a tear in her eye. We had talked about Jesus, and she was so excited to hear that Jesus and I are great friends lol! What a great lady, it was so awesome being blessed by her! And I'm glad I was able to be a blessing for her too! Jesus, you sneaky sneak!!! =D

So, from Calvary Temple, I ended up walking down Donald to get back to Portage to go home, and I ran into Kayla and Binh!!! They were on their way to SHoP (Sanctuary House of Prayer), and I was wanting to go there too (was actually gonna head to K's house after the no-soup van, but I guess God had stuff set out anyways haha!) SHoP was fun! Though I was sooooo super tired from a long day running on little sleep, so I wasn't really up to worshiping a whole lot... So I did it quietly =)

So then I got home about 9, made some pasta for dinner cuz I was hungry, then sat at the computer to write this and talk with Sherrie for a bit. <3 YOU SHERRIE!!!!!!!!! =D (She's teaching me how to FB stalk people.... =P)

OKAY SO NEWS!!!!!!!! Debby has decided once and for all that she is going to sell her house, and she's hoping to have it sold by June. Which means that Shayani and Kayla need to move out. Shayani has some plans she's working on with Jesus, but Kayla and I are gonna get a 2-bedroom apartment together! We've somewhat prayed about it, talked about it lots, and I'm so super excited!!!!! =D We're kinda looking all over the place, but her one request is that it's only one bus ride to her work. Which leaves us with lots of options! Up Main (18 to work), up Henderson (11 to work), down Portage (11 to work), down Osborne (16 to work), or down Corydon (18 to work). I'm sure there's other options, cuz there's quite a few buses that go by her work. But since we're looking for June, there's not really any posts up on kijiji or anything yet. So we'll start looking in a few weeks. SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!! =D =D =D

Anyways, that's about all I have for today. It's just after 11:30pm, and I am wiped. So off to bed I go!

PS sorry for the lack of regular updates, life is pretty crazy busy at the moment. But I'm enjoying it for the most part, so it's all good =)

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Tired.

I feel like I've come to a point where I need a major change. I'm tired of where I am in life. In my job, in my faith, in my home, in my finances... And the biggest problem is that I can't change most things because of my lack of finances. I feel stuck. In a rut. With no idea what to do to get out.

I have so many big dreams, but with the short-sighted-ness that comes with being only human, I can't see how I'm ever gonna achieve them.

I just feel lost. I feel like I'm missing out on different aspects of life. I miss living with roommates, I miss the relationship I had with my mom when I was little, I miss being in a relationship, I miss the connection I had with God. I do love Jesus, and I do get moments when I feel really close to Him, and I make big decisions based on what He'd want for me because I don't want to regret things later on, but most of time I'm just so disconnected. I don't have that desire to really follow Him. Does that make sense?

And I know there are gonna be people who read this and think, "oh you're still young, life will happen! Things will work out!" Etc etc etc... Yes I know I'm only 24, but I yearn for better things in life, I can't help it! I long to get married, own a house, have a dog, adopt kids, have a garden!

I long to get back into cooking, have my own restaurant where I can create my own menu and cook the dishes and all that... Don't get me wrong here, I do love the kids I work with at the daycare, I'd miss them so much if I did leave, but I just don't want to do that for the rest of my life...

Sigh I don't know... Just a mood I've been in as of late, and I just needed to rant a bit...

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Broken Up

I'm sorry readers that I haven't blogged in a while... There's been a lot going on the past while, and I just haven't had the energy to just sit down and type it all out.

So, biggest news, Alisha and I have broken up. I'm finding this really hard to even write this out... I'm trying to distract myself with Facebook, but I know that this needs to be written out for my own benefit.

It's something that's been building up in me for a while. To me, dating is a preparation for marriage, testing the waters so to speak, to see if you could really spend the rest of your life with this person. I was beginning to realise that Alisha was not the person I was going to marry. But I was also realising that I was not the person that Alisha needs in her life right now. She's still working through issues in her life, figuring out who she is in this world and in Christ. (Honestly, I'm still working that out in my own life...)

It hurts. It hurts a lot. More than I can put into words. There have been times throughout last week and even over this past weekend when it hurt so bad that I literally could not breathe.

- 30 minutes later -

So, I had to stop writing because I just got really really tense and could not sit still, couldn't stop rocking, and my right hand started shaking really bad. A friend whom I was talking to at the time said I might have been a panic attack, but my breathing was fine. But she suggested that I get a piece of paper and just write, so I did. Got a whole page full of writing, but my writing was really big and messy, I guess just in the urgency of trying to get it written down. But my hand has stopped shaking and I can sit still, though I'm still really tense... What the heck was that about???

Anyways, back to what I was writing before...

I've pretty much spent every night since the break-up at the house on Mountain where I used to live. The girls here totally brought me in, first for the weekend, then they invited me to stay for the week, so I took them up on that. It was just so hard to be at my house, alone. Too many memories of Alisha and I together. I am planning to go home on Saturday, partially because I know that I will have to face that eventually, and partially because a friend of mine who lives by me has expressed interest in coming to church with me, so I will need to be home in order for that to happen.

While I've been here at the Mountain house, so much has happened to me spiritually. Friday night, my first night here, I ended up getting here pretty late, I think it was after midnight... I was at another friend's, but I was really uncomfortable there because her boyfriend ended up coming over, and that's really not what I needed then. Then Jon (a spiritual leader in the Bible study group I'm in) messaged me to see how I was doing (he knew about the break-up), and so I told him, and he said that he would come and pick me up and bring me here. So I gratefully accepted that, and Shayani was at the door waiting for me when we arrived. So once it was just the two of us (Jon had stayed for a little bit), I broke down, and I just cried. I cried and cried and cried, I don't even know how long I cried. Probably a good 10 minutes of just tears flowing. I did feel a bit better after getting that tension released. I had held it all in all week. Yeah sure, I did cry a bit, I did have a few anxiety attacks, but I never cried as hard and as long as I did that night. It felt good. Believe it or not, we stayed up until 5am just talking. About everything. About Alisha, about an issue with someone connected with our Bible study group, about life... I was almost considering just staying up to watch the sunrise, but then I realised that it was gonna be another two hours, and I was NOT gonna wait that long, cuz I was tired.

Saturday night, Shayani and Kayla ended up having a prayer session in Shayani's room, and I heard them call me a few times, but I was curled up under blankets, and I was hurting so bad that I could not get up. So they ended up coming to find me after a while, Debby ended up coming in too, and they prayed over me. I had realised that I was still wearing the bracelet with Alisha's name on it, and so I had taken it off, but could not let go of it. I did end up giving it to Shayani though, I'm not even sure she knew what it was. I did see it on her night stand the other day, but she hasn't said anything about it, she hasn't asked, so I'm not sure if she checked it out to see what was written on it...

And it is currently 12:25am, and I am completely exhausted and needing to be up in 7 hours, so I'm gonna go to bed. I will do my best to post some more of what happened this week while here, it's some pretty amazing stuff! Jesus is so good!!! =)

Monday, January 23, 2012

Home-Made Ice Cream

So, on a complete whim, I decided I was going to attempt making some home-made ice cream. So I Googled some recipes, as well as how to make it without an ice cream machine, cuz I don't have one. Found some good stuff, I kinda blended two recipes, one was the ingredients and the other was how to make it without a machine, but I didn't grab either link and now I don't remember where they were, sorry =(

So this was my first attempt:

Coconut Ice Cream
5 egg yolks
2 cups coconut cream (I just skimmed the top stuff off of a couple cans of coconut milk, but it didn't give enough coconut flavour...)
2 cups heavy cream
3/4 cups sugar
1 vanilla bean
2 tsp rum (optional of course, I chose not to put it in this round, but perhaps next round.)

Whisk yolks, set aside.
Mix creams and sugar in pot.
Slit vanilla bean with a sharp knife and scrape the seeds into the pot.
Warm over medium heat until sugar is dissolved.
Add a ladle of warm mixture to the eggs and whisk; whisk while adding the rest.
Return to pot and cook over medium heat, stirring gently and continously, until it reachs 85C (185F).
Strain into medium bowl. Add rum if desired, and blend well.
Place bowl into a large bowl filled with ice. Chill in fridge for several hours.
Put into freezer for 30 minutes. Beat until creamy again, return to freezer for 30 minutes. Repeat until you have beaten the mixture a total of 5 times. Transfer mixture into a storage container, and return to freezer for at least two hours. Enjoy! =)

Ps these are a couple egg yolks I used, the first one broke, and the second one was a different brand which was more orange. Looks creepy kinda, but also kinda cool!


Finished product, slightly sampled =P


It is delicious!!!! Because I just used the stuff on top of the coconut milk rather than actual coconut cream, it wasn't as coconut-y as I was hoping, but the vanilla bean really stands out and it's pretty good! I can't wait to make some French vanilla ice cream!!! =D

Zesty Spinach Soup

So, this is the soup I had posted about earlier, and I am finally getting to posting the recipe. I have also found where I got it from! It is my Cooking Light book, but I adapted it a bit to suit my needs, and I didn't have any lemons nor sour cream.

Zesty Spinach Soup
4 tsp olive oil
2 red onions
4 cups veggie broth
3 medium potatoes, diced
1 tsp sea salt
1/4 tsp black pepper
1 10-oz bag baby spinach
1 cup sour cream, divided
1 tsp grated lemon rind

Heat oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add onion; sauté 3 minutes. Add broth and next 3 ingredients. Cover and bring to a boil over high heat; reduce heat, and simmer 8 minutes or until potato is very tender, stirring occasionally. Add spinach; cover and cook 2 minutes or until spinach wilts.
Run soup through blender, adding sour cream as you go.
Serve soup with a dollop of sour cream and a bit of lemon rind.
Yield: 4 1-cup servings


This is without the sour cream and lemon rind, as I said, I didn't have any, but it was still good =)

Monday, January 16, 2012

How Are You?

I was visiting a friend tonight, and I'm unsure if she was doing it on purpose or if there was really nothing else to ask at those moments, but she kept asking me, "So how are you?" I didn't think too much of it the second time she asked, but the third time I wondered, is she trying to get at something? The thought didn't last long because we got into other discussions.

But I was thinking about it on the bus ride home... When you ask someone how they're doing, it's usually something like, "Oh I'm okay," or "Good." Nothing really deep.

I was finding that each subsequent time my friend asked me how I was doing, I was more and more willing to really tell her how I was doing. Not that I'm currently feeling awful and terrible, but I'm also not feeling great and superb.

But how often do we really get past just saying that we're doing well, or fine? Especially when we're not really well or fine?

How many times does someone need to ask, "How are you?" before we really get down to the truth?

How long does it take?

My friend only asked me three times, but had she asked a fourth, I probably would've said that I was feeling really lonely. Really brought down. Really sucked down. I probably would've told her about how I was feeling about a certain someone else that she knows of who is really dragging me down spiritually.

I don't really know where I'm going with this post, I just wanted to note that I find it interesting how when people repeatedly ask you how you're doing, it seems like each time it digs deeper and closer to the truth.

So now I'm gonna go make me some dinner! Zesty spinach soup, I can't remember where I got the recipe from... I'll try to remember to post the recipe here with a picture =)

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Struggle

Last night I was at bible study at the house I used to live at on Mountain. Wonderful time! What an awesome group of people!

I had a conversation with a friend there. She's been struggling lately. I don't want to say anything about it here, because it's not my place to share her stories. But in talking with her, she had asked me about Christmas, and I filled her in on what's been happening with my aunt and all that. Then she asked me if I'd ever dealt with someone close to me dying, and so I told her about Wayne, and how I was right there in the room sitting with him as he died.

I shared some of my struggles from that. The suicidal thoughts, the demonic attacks, the immense anger I had felt towards God.

It's amazing how freeing it is sharing my stories. Stories that I've been pretty open about here on this blog, but not so much in person. Not that I've hidden it, it's just not talked about.

It can be so hard to talk about sometimes. I didn't get too much into detail with my friend. I did tell her that I have had suicidal thoughts in the past, and that I have worked through some stuff.

I don't even know how to express what I'm trying to get out...

I still have a lot of stuff to work through, a lot of healing to do. I believe that talking about this stuff plays a big part in that healing. And I'm not just talking about sitting here at the computer and typing it. I'm talking about sitting with someone in person, and speaking it. Being open with someone. Showing your raw emotions. Because I can sit here and type whatever I want, change my mind, delete it, and write something else. Or even write nothing at all.

When you're talking face to face with someone, there is no backspace button. When you start talking about deep issues, those emotions come out. Throats tighten. Voices crack. Tears fall. Exposing yourself like that to someone is so risky and terrifying, and yet that's when true healing can happen.

I am craving that.

So many people have said to me, "God is always there!" Yeah, I believe that to be true, but God isn't visibly sitting here with me. God isn't physically here to give me a big hug.

I sometimes find myself so skeptical about God. Don't get me wrong, I believe with my whole heart that He is spiritually with me. I believe that Christ has died for my sins, and I am redeemed from my sins, and I will live forever with Him.

But when I'm down here in the dumps, struggling to keep trudging through this life, I need someone here physically with me. Someone to audibly talk with me. Someone to lend me a shoulder to cry on.

I can't remember the last time I had a good cry with someone. I always seem to be the one lending a shoulder. Not that I mind! I love my friends so much, and I am grateful that I have those opportunities to be there for them when they're needing someone.

But I feel like I always need to be so strong for others.

I wish that someone could be here for me.

I wish that I could allow myself to let them be here for me.

I don't want to walk this journey alone. I can't walk it alone. I just wish I wasn't so afraid to open up face to face with people.

I wish I knew what I was afraid of.

I have a lot of big wishes...

Monday, January 2, 2012

Projects for 2012

So.... For 2011 (and 2010 too I suppose) I had a book list that I wanted to get through. Throughout the year, I ended up adding more and more books, but read less and less as I got more into stitching again. So for this year, I will have a general list of what I'd like to accomplish this year, whether it's books to read, stitching projects to get done, or major projects around in my home. So here goes!

1. Finish stitching blue phoenix - done!


2. Stitch red phoenix (it's just a negative image, but I'll actually stitch it on black!) - done!


3. Finish stitching purple frog - done!


4. Paint the walls in this place a different colour! - no longer relevant, cuz I've moved!

5. Read Emma by Jane Austen

6. Read Between Shades of Gray by Ruta Sepetys

7. Read Crazy Love and Erasing Hell by Francis Chan

8. Read Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin

9. Work on my Wreck This Journal some more

10. Get more Keri Smith books, specifically "Mess," "This Is Not a Book," and "Living Out Loud"

11. Finish the 1000-piece Starry Night puzzle that's on my table - also no longer relevant, cuz it was packed up for moving!


12. Get all my DMC threads onto bobbins and organised in the case I now have - done!

13. Go through all my craft stuff and reorganise it now that I have a second stack of storage shelves - done, thanks to moving! =)

14. Go through all my closets to make room for a bike that my mom said I could have. With this bike, I do plan on biking to work more often, especially during July and August, then I can save on bus fare! =) Also, need to get a helmet, cuz I'll have to be biking on the road... =S - no longer relevant, seeing as I've moved to a place with a balcony I can store my bike on. Though I have been biking a lot more throughout the summer, and hence haven't bought July or August bus passes =)

15. Learn a Latin ballroom dance! =)

16. Learn to play violin!!! My great-aunt had a violin, and her boys said that I could have it! I've wanted to learn to play violin since I was a little girl, and now it's gonna happen!!!!! =D

That's about it for now, but I'm sure I'll add more throughout the year lol.

A Day Late...

Buuuuuuuut whatevs.... Sorry I haven't been blogging lately, I've been busy doing other stuff... Stitching, playing video games (specifically Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time), doing Christmas stuffs...

Also, my great-aunt was in the hospital for a few weeks. She had had a major stroke, was doing better, got worse, was doing better, got worse, and her sons decided to just let her go. She had expressed before that she wouldn't want to live as a vegetable, and she was showing signs that her brain was shutting down (breathing problems, only being awake for a few seconds at a time, etc.) So she passed away Christmas evening. I'm doing okay. I miss her, I am sad that she's gone, but God has given me such an amazing peace about it all, so I am thankful for that =)

I have been blessed as well through this tough time, her sons decided that they wanted their mom's possessions to go to any family who needs/wants it. So since my mini freezer I got for Christmas didn't work out (I'll get to that story....), I got her deep freezer. And it fits nicely in my kitchen, but it still takes some getting used to. I keep bumping into it when I get up from the table and turn to bring my dishes to the sink... Also, it adds to all the noises at night, so gotta get used to that too. It's kinda creepy actually lol almost like it's pulsating or something... But I know that's normal, cuz I remember when I was little, my mom kept her deep freezer in her bedroom, and when I would crawl into her bed in the middle of the night cuz I had a nightmare, I would hear it pulsate like that. It creeped me out then, and it still does now lol but hey, at least now I have more freezer space, yayyyyy!!!!!!! =D

I also got a few more baking pans (8x8 pan, 9x9 pan), some kitchen clips, a straight-edge slicer thing (kinda like a grater, but for slicing...), and another cooling rack. So yay, I can bake more stuff at a time now! =)

Side note: I just looked up at my bonsai tree, and I think it's doing okay now! I thought I had killed it cuz a lot of leaves were falling off, but none have fallen off recently, and they're looking pretty green still. Yay! =)

Okay, so Christmas. 'Twas good! =) Went to Weston for the Christmas Eve service, spent the night at my mom's (Alisha came too), we did our traditional Christmas morning stuff. Though that kinda all got a bit screwy, cuz my mom went to go visit her aunt while breakfast was baking (we were making creme brulee french toast, and the hospital is right by my mom's). But she had taken a turn for the worst, and the decision was made to let her go, so my mom went to her mom's to tell her in person, cuz she gets pretty emotional and it wouldn't be good to tell her over the phone.

So anyways, my mom had gone to the hospital, came home to eat quick, went to tell Granny, then came home and we opened our gifts. I was pretty stinkin' excited about what I got!!! =D Like I mentioned earlier, I did get a mini freezer, it was so awesome!!! It had four pull-out shelves, which would've been great! Unfortunately, when my mom brought it over to my place the next day, we opened it up to find that it was all marked up and dented. So my mom took it back to the store, and unfortunately it had been the last one, and they weren't being made anymore. So that sucked. But it worked out in the end, so that's good =)

Also, my mom crocheted me a blanky!!! It's BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!! =D


I also got some new bathroom hand towels and face cloths =) Aaaaaaaaaand lots of chocolate, and a couple mandarins from Santa lol.

I think that's about it for now... There are some things I want to accomplish in 2012, but I'll make it a separate post.