Struggle

Last night I was at bible study at the house I used to live at on Mountain. Wonderful time! What an awesome group of people!

I had a conversation with a friend there. She's been struggling lately. I don't want to say anything about it here, because it's not my place to share her stories. But in talking with her, she had asked me about Christmas, and I filled her in on what's been happening with my aunt and all that. Then she asked me if I'd ever dealt with someone close to me dying, and so I told her about Wayne, and how I was right there in the room sitting with him as he died.

I shared some of my struggles from that. The suicidal thoughts, the demonic attacks, the immense anger I had felt towards God.

It's amazing how freeing it is sharing my stories. Stories that I've been pretty open about here on this blog, but not so much in person. Not that I've hidden it, it's just not talked about.

It can be so hard to talk about sometimes. I didn't get too much into detail with my friend. I did tell her that I have had suicidal thoughts in the past, and that I have worked through some stuff.

I don't even know how to express what I'm trying to get out...

I still have a lot of stuff to work through, a lot of healing to do. I believe that talking about this stuff plays a big part in that healing. And I'm not just talking about sitting here at the computer and typing it. I'm talking about sitting with someone in person, and speaking it. Being open with someone. Showing your raw emotions. Because I can sit here and type whatever I want, change my mind, delete it, and write something else. Or even write nothing at all.

When you're talking face to face with someone, there is no backspace button. When you start talking about deep issues, those emotions come out. Throats tighten. Voices crack. Tears fall. Exposing yourself like that to someone is so risky and terrifying, and yet that's when true healing can happen.

I am craving that.

So many people have said to me, "God is always there!" Yeah, I believe that to be true, but God isn't visibly sitting here with me. God isn't physically here to give me a big hug.

I sometimes find myself so skeptical about God. Don't get me wrong, I believe with my whole heart that He is spiritually with me. I believe that Christ has died for my sins, and I am redeemed from my sins, and I will live forever with Him.

But when I'm down here in the dumps, struggling to keep trudging through this life, I need someone here physically with me. Someone to audibly talk with me. Someone to lend me a shoulder to cry on.

I can't remember the last time I had a good cry with someone. I always seem to be the one lending a shoulder. Not that I mind! I love my friends so much, and I am grateful that I have those opportunities to be there for them when they're needing someone.

But I feel like I always need to be so strong for others.

I wish that someone could be here for me.

I wish that I could allow myself to let them be here for me.

I don't want to walk this journey alone. I can't walk it alone. I just wish I wasn't so afraid to open up face to face with people.

I wish I knew what I was afraid of.

I have a lot of big wishes...