Christmas Memories

This past Tuesday, my roomies and I had our potluck/secret Santa gift exchange. It was really nice and really fun! =) But it got me thinking on other Christmas memories, and most of them are not so great... The two that stand out the most for me are the one year (can't remember when, but prolly 2003...) when my mom and Wayne fought pretty much all day, and then 2004...

In 2003 (or whatever year it was, I'll just say '03...) the fighting started right at the breakfast table. I don't even remember what they were fighting about, but I was sitting at the dining room table and they were in the kitchen literally screaming at each other... and I remember screaming at them, "THIS IS CHRISTMAS, YOU SHOULDN'T BE FIGHTING!!!" and I ran upstairs and hid in my room for a while... I hated that Christmas...

And then of course, Christmas 2004 was when Wayne was sick... He went to the States to spend Christmas with his sisters because we all knew the end was near and we wanted him to spend that last Christmas with his biological family so he could say his goodbyes. He ended up in the hospital for a few days down there, but made it back here before New Years, and went straight into the hospital again, and never came out. He died January 3, 2005. Worst memory of my life. And every Christmas since then has been really hard, though it is getting easier... I never forget him, but it is getting easier... Even now as I'm typing this, I have tears running down my face... I miss you so much Wayne... ='( I know he's with Jesus, that was made very clear to me the day that Faye spoke at the Bible dedication at church, and I am glad that he doesn't have to live in pain in his earthly body anymore, but it still hurts.... I miss his stupid little laugh lol, I miss how most of his shirts had at least a little bit of pink, I miss being silly with him in a way I was never able to be silly with my mom, I miss riding with him in his truck, I miss his jokes, I miss his hugs, I miss how he would always come visit me at work on Wednesdays when he was in town, I miss our Sunday lunches that were just me and him... He was like a father to me, he was my dad. Of course he wasn't perfect, nobody ever is, but he was my dad.

When I think about everything I've been through, everything I've dealt with, everything I've overcome since he died, I can only say that it is by God's grace that I am who I am today... I often think about what he would think about things I've done, choices I've made... I can honestly say that when I look at my life, I know he'd be proud of me. I know he'd be proud of me no matter what I do or what I choose. It's comforting to know that he's up in Heaven, hanging out with Jesus, watching over me. Lol I can almost imagine him talking with other people up there, saying, "Hey look, that's Stacey, that's my daughter!"

I know I've said this before, I've said it many times, but I know that God sent Wayne into my life for a purpose. Even though he was only around for what seems like a few short years (it was actually about 10 years, wow...), it was through him that God showed me what it's like to have a father. Now I'm able to make the connection between God and Father, because I've experienced it in my family. Now I can truly understand what it means to call God Abba,(which is actually more like Daddy rather than Father... More intimate, wouldn't you say? I mean, a father could just be a sperm donor, but it takes a relationship to be a daddy.

Speaking of fathers... I've been doing a lot of thinking about my own biological father... I still don't really know what to do with that... It's been a year now since my mom made that first step of contact with him... I've found him on Facebook cuz my mom got me to look up his email address one time... I wonder if he's found me... Hmmm.... If - IF - I were to contact him, I'd prolly send him a FB message... I've found my younger half-brother too... I saw him when he came with his dad to Weston that one time, but I never met him...

Anyways, I think I'm done with this entry... I still need to fold my laundry and get some cards done before I head to bed... I'm very much looking forward to going to Weston in the morning! =D Especially since I missed it last week cuz I was sick... Until next time! =)

"It's Only Through Your Mercy..."

Jesus I thank You for everyone You've sent my way this week... Even though none of them really know what's going on, they were there reassuring me, praying with me and for me, loving me, even when I tried to push them away. I cannot thank them enough for what they've done for me, without them, Lord, it is them who have given me the hope and the will to keep going... Thank you for sending them... Help me show them how grateful I am for them all!

Does This Ever End?

This past week has kinda sucked... Some stuff from the past that I thought I had gotten through has come up again, feelings, temptations... Ugh... I don't even know what triggers this... I know I'm not alone, but sometimes it feels like I am... I hate talking to people about it when it's going on cuz I don't wanna burden them with my problems when they have their own problems to deal with...
I wanted to talk to my roommates about it tonight, but one is working tonight (overnight), another is on such a God-high right now, and the other was completely exhausted when she got home... And I don't wanna call someone cuz I hate talking on the phone... So I find myself almost isolating myself, when that is the last thing I should be doing...
I knew this would eventually come up again, I thought I had worked through the major issues that have been problems in the past... And yet here I am having to deal with them still... Is there ever an end to this?
I feel so inadequate and unaccomplished... What the heck am I doing with my life? I've missed out on so much, I've passed up so many things... I'm so unmotivated to do anything...

Kettle Update!

My last post was a bit of what I love about doing kettles... Well, I'd really like to blog each week about things that happen whilst I'm on kettles... Here goes! =)

This week went by really fast!!! I've chatted with so many people, had prayers answered, and had a really great time! =) Some of the things that people say really touch me =) Here's some examples:
As a lady puts in a handful of dimes, nickels and pennies: "I ran out of loonies and toonies, but every little bit helps right?"
One of the Superstore employees, seeing me there for the third day in a row: "Don't you ever go home? ;)"
A little girl that put a loonie in this morning said, "Merry real Christmas!!!"

Being on kettles is a great opportunity to make connections with the community!!! I've had little chats with so many different people about different things! Here's some stories:

One lady that came by on Thursday told me she will always give to the Salvation Army because when she was 6 or 7 she started going to the SA church that was on Marion (it's not there anymore...), and that is where she went to her first Sunday School classes!
Another girl that had finished her shopping had no cell phone and no quarters to phone a taxi, so she came to me and I let her use my phone. She was so grateful, and she put her whole change purse worth of pennies and nickels into the bubble!
A man asked me what rank I was in the Salvation Army, and we had a conversation on what the ranks are in the SA and how they compare to the real army. But I was also given the opportunity to explain to him that we are in spiritual warfare, and we - the Salvation Army - are fighting for peoples' souls!
Another guy that donated put his hands on my shoulders and said, "God loves you!!!" and I nearly fell off my chair with excitement as I said back, "God loves you too brother!!!"
Emmanuel is the Superstore host (the greeter at the front door) that has been there almost everyday that I've worked, and we got talking about how he will always give to the Salvation Army because they helped his family back in the Philippines with the flood that happened this year... Lol he also calls me Miss Salvation, when I get there in the morning he's like, "Good morning Miss Salvation!" He puts his pocket change in the bubble every morning after I get set up, and he always does a cute little dance lol... =)
A couple who are both on disability put in a toonie each because the Salvation Army has helped them and they want to give back!

Prayers have also been answered!!! Each morning when I set up the bubble, I pray over it, asking God to bless it and to fill it... Sometimes I ask for certain things, and today I prayed that someone would put in a $20 bill. Between 9-1, THERE WERE FOUR OF THEM PUT IN!!! My biggest prayer right now (since day 1 actually) is that I will see a $100 bill put in the bubble...
I've been asked by so many people where my bells were and why I wasn't ringing them... I wasn't given bells, I assumed that it was because Superstore had said they didn't want them so the staff wouldn't get annoyed at the constant ringing so I hadn't said anything to my boss... But yesterday, a gentleman bought me some silver bells!!! It was a big red bow with some bells hanging down, cost $3, and he brought it to me (with the receipt to prove it was paid for), and said, "There you go, now you can ring your bells!" So I took the ribbon off and played with the strings the bells were on and made a sort of bell ringer LOL hey it works! What amazed me about this story was how much the bells mean to people! "Kettles just aren't kettles without the silver bells!" is what one person had told me...
I also had a lot of people ask me for a sticker to put on their jacket to show other kettlers that they had already donated... One guy even said that there's two benefits to the stickers: one, it advertises to other people that hey, they should go donate, and two, it does let other kettlers know that they've already donated and so they won't feel guilty as they walk by the bubble. One woman even came up to me the other day and showed me that she had a mini calendar because she had donated and she didn't want me to think she was being cheap. Another lady came to me today and asked for a sticker for her jacket because she had donated before and only got a calendar (she showed it to me lol).

Speaking of people feeling guilty... haha... I kinda feel bad for making people feel guilty... As a kettler, I make eye contact with people and smile at them, and sometimes it makes people feel guilty and so they'll donate... I do not, in any way, want to guilt people into donating... I love smiling at people because when they see a smile, it's a natural reaction to smile back, and I LOVE seeing people smile!!! In sociology class I remember learning about the "dog face", which is when your face is relaxed, which makes you look grumpy (because you're not smiling...), and so many people coming through the doors are wearing their dog faces (or they are actually grumpy lol...), and it's amazing to see the transformation of a dog face to a smiling face, to see their whole persona just brighten up!!! There are some people that walk by that look like they would NEVER smile, but then they smile, and I'm like, "WOO!!! =D"

As much as I completely love this job though, I am VERY glad for a day off tomorrow =) For one, working 6 days in a row where I basically just sit for 4 hours on a bar stool isn't that great for the body... And second, I get to go to Weston!!! =D And this week is the first week of Advent, can you believe it??? AND the band is playing now (because it's Advent...), so I get to pull my clarinet out again, woop!

Anywho, that's all I have for now... This next week is looking pretty good
Sunday: church, play practice
Monday: kettles 9-1, dyeing Shayani's hair (whether or not she decides to go through with it, I'll tie her down if I have to... =P)
Tuesday: kettles 9-1
Wednesday: kettles 9-1, coffee date with Sherrie @ 2, pool @ 7:30 (though I gotta be at Players by 6:45 cuz we're away this week...)
Thursday: ketles 9-1
Friday: kettles 9-12 (woop!), Smitty's @ 3
Saturday: kettles 9-1, Smitty's @ 3

For now though, it's bedtime!!! =)

Kettles

I've been doing kettles for almost a week now (I started last Thursday), and I must say that I love it!!! There's so many aspects of doing kettles, I look forward to doing it all again the next day! I'm currently working Mon-Sat 9am-1pm at Superstore McPhillips, and it is awesome!!!

I think the thing I love the most about doing kettles is hearing peoples' stories. I've had mostly good stories, and one bad one that really bummed me out... This lady refused to donate and told me her story: her husband was sick at Seven Oaks Hospital, and she parked in the Salvation Army Thrift Store parking when she came to be with him. The thrift store staff then towed her car and it cost $85 to get it back. But before I could even say anything, she was gone. It broke my heart because she is now so blind to all the good the Salvation Army is doing! I can still hear her last words she said: "THAT is what the Salvation Army does for people..." I wanted to cry!!! I wanted to run up to her and show her my tears, and tell her MY story of what the SA has done for me and for many people I've met over the years! And I couldn't, she was gone...

But I've also heard many awesome stories of how the SA has helped people! Mostly people have told me about how the SA helped them or their parents/grandparents when they came back from overseas... One gentleman told me of how the SA helped him when he arrived back in Halifax from Yugoslavia. Another lady told me how she will always give to the SA because of how they helped her grandparents. Every story I am told fills me with so much warmth and love!

I think the biggest reason I've heard from people on why they donate is because it is such a good cause! It really is, and it excites me to seee people opening their wallets to help others! One gentleman today put a loonie in the bubble, and he said to me, "This is all I have, I can't afford much more because I can barely afford to feed myself..." There was another guy who came by yesterday who fit the homeless stereotype perfectly: dirty, a bit smelly, clothes full of holes... and he came by and put a quarter in the bubble and left. I was shocked, I almost fell off my stool!!!

I think my favourite thing to see is when parents give their children some coins to put in the bubble. I love hearing seeing the parents taking the time to teach their children about helping those in need!!! It's so cute when the kids ask, "why is she sitting there?" and their parents explaining to them that it's for the poor. Oh my gosh, the other day I nearly cried because this little girl came and put in a loonie that her mother had given her, then her mother explained what it was for, and a few minutes later she came running up to me because she found a nickel on the floor and she wanted to put it in the bubble. She said to me, "They need it more than I do...." LOL I wanted to wrap this little girl up and the biggest hug ever!!!

Sure, this job can get boring sometimes in between the stories... The last half an hour of my shift tends to feel a lot longer than a half hour... But it is sooooo worth it!!! Lord, bless the people who donate, touch the hearts of those who don't, but most of all, multiply and use this money for Your good!!!