Thursday, September 27, 2012

Quarter-Life Crisis

My friend Alison had a guest post on another blog today (here), and she talked about how she's gone through a "quarter-life crisis." It kinda made something click in my head: I guess you could say that I've been going through a bit of that myself.

A mid-life crisis happens at about 50, and you question things in your life, and want to make changes.

That's what I'm going through now, except I'm only just 25.

I want a change of work...

I think about a change of relationship status (I used to think I'd be married by now...)

I'm unsure about future goals...

That's not to say that I don't like where I am in my life... No, I'm not where I want to be, but it's not terrible here. I love my living situation. I love my roommate. I love the kids I work with at the daycare. I love the relationship I'm currently in.

But I don't want to be at the daycare for 10 years, or even 5. I want to run a kitchen, be the head chef.

I don't want to stay in just a dating relationship. This one's tricky with timing though, and I understand that. Alex and I have only been dating for just over 5 months, so it's really too soon in my opinion to start talking about marriage... But I can't help but think about the future. Can I see myself marrying him? Will I have the same opinion in a year?

There's so much I want to do with my life. But there's not really any clear way to do it. There's always something stopping me or preventing me from moving forward...

And as I write this, the perfect song just played on my iPod...

Oh Jesus, You always have a way of putting things back into perspective......

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Please Stay Alive

This is something that Jamie Tworkowski posted on the TWLOHA blog. Very interesting, I challenge you to read it and really think about what's happening in our world when it comes to suicide. It's tough. It's heartbreaking. But is it worth it in order to save a life? To learn the facts, to recognise the signs, and to reach out and make a difference in the life of someone who needs you?

Please Stay Alive

Monday, September 17, 2012

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Finger of God

I'm watching the movie "Finger of God," and it begins by showing a quote from Bono that says, "Religion is what you have left when the Spirit leaves the building."

It sparked a thought in me about part of what I've been going through this weekend... I'm realising that the religion that I've been brought up in, that's always been a part of my Christian walk, is starting to be separated from me. I've never liked religion, I've always said that it's a bunch of man-made rules, mostly based on Scripture, but some are like moral rules... And yet because I've been a part of the Salvation Army Weston pretty much my whole life, I've grown up within that religion.

And I'm realising that God is starting to bring me out of that, and bringing me more and more into His Kingdom.

Separation is always tough. It hurts. And I'm starting to see that that's why I've been struggling and trying to run from God this weekend.

Of course this isn't to say that I'm needing to leave the church. I believe that church fellowship is still very important to Christians. I believe that with the Scotts here at Weston, there's gonna be a radical change. And Jesus is prepping me for that.

Jesus, I need to trust you in this...

Friday, September 7, 2012

Spiritual Smackdown.

Jesus frickin loves oxymorons. He just gave me the most gentlest loving smackdown I've ever had in my life.

I was at the first session of the Passion for Jesus conference tonight, and God began revealing myself to me.

I feel like I'm afraid to hear his voice.

I feel like I'm afraid of what he's going to tell me.

When in reality, he's only wanting to show me me in order for me to stop running away from him.

Because he frickin loves me! And he wants me to come to him. And he's calling me to him.

And yet I'm afraid to even listen to his voice.

All night, I've felt like he's been wanting to say something to me, and I've just been shutting him out, not wanting to hear it.


"Perfect love casts out all fear." 1 John 4:18

I don't understand the love that Jesus has for me. It's difficult for me to accept something I just can't wrap my mind around.

That verse continues to say that fear implies punishment. And yet I know that God's "punishment" is gentle and kind and so loving. Why do I fear it?

I almost feel like Adam and Eve... They walked with God. Physically walked with God. Saw him face to face, everyday, with no fear. And then they sinned. And they hid from God. Because they were afraid.

I'm a sinner. I've been a sinner my whole life. I'll be a sinner until the day I die. When God has pointed out my sin to me, I've never been afraid of his correction. Stubborn sometimes, most times, all the time, but never afraid.

So what's with this fear now?

It frustrates me too. I'm frustrated with myself for being unable to just move past this and just get to Jesus. I feel like there's something in the way of me getting there. Is it myself holding myself back? Is it that fear that's keeping me from fully running to him?

When it comes to the every day stuff, I have no problem with chatting with Jesus. I have no problem praying for other people. But when it comes to Jesus telling me something right now, I'm terrified. For what reason?

Am I afraid of what God's wanting to show me about the inmost me?

Am I afraid of the commitment God's wanting me to make to him?

Am I afraid of what God's about to lead me into?

Am I afraid of God?

Am I afraid of all of the above?


Please pray for me.....