Friday, September 7, 2012

Spiritual Smackdown.

Jesus frickin loves oxymorons. He just gave me the most gentlest loving smackdown I've ever had in my life.

I was at the first session of the Passion for Jesus conference tonight, and God began revealing myself to me.

I feel like I'm afraid to hear his voice.

I feel like I'm afraid of what he's going to tell me.

When in reality, he's only wanting to show me me in order for me to stop running away from him.

Because he frickin loves me! And he wants me to come to him. And he's calling me to him.

And yet I'm afraid to even listen to his voice.

All night, I've felt like he's been wanting to say something to me, and I've just been shutting him out, not wanting to hear it.


"Perfect love casts out all fear." 1 John 4:18

I don't understand the love that Jesus has for me. It's difficult for me to accept something I just can't wrap my mind around.

That verse continues to say that fear implies punishment. And yet I know that God's "punishment" is gentle and kind and so loving. Why do I fear it?

I almost feel like Adam and Eve... They walked with God. Physically walked with God. Saw him face to face, everyday, with no fear. And then they sinned. And they hid from God. Because they were afraid.

I'm a sinner. I've been a sinner my whole life. I'll be a sinner until the day I die. When God has pointed out my sin to me, I've never been afraid of his correction. Stubborn sometimes, most times, all the time, but never afraid.

So what's with this fear now?

It frustrates me too. I'm frustrated with myself for being unable to just move past this and just get to Jesus. I feel like there's something in the way of me getting there. Is it myself holding myself back? Is it that fear that's keeping me from fully running to him?

When it comes to the every day stuff, I have no problem with chatting with Jesus. I have no problem praying for other people. But when it comes to Jesus telling me something right now, I'm terrified. For what reason?

Am I afraid of what God's wanting to show me about the inmost me?

Am I afraid of the commitment God's wanting me to make to him?

Am I afraid of what God's about to lead me into?

Am I afraid of God?

Am I afraid of all of the above?


Please pray for me.....

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