Sunday, April 27, 2014


I've been feeling myself pulling away from people as of late.

It bothers me.

I haven't been totally consciously doing it, but looking back on my weekend, I feel like I've been distant from others.

Friday night - Ladies' Night Out with my church, I was very tempted to just not go, but I forced myself to because I knew I needed to get out. I ended up having a good time, which was nice :)

Saturday - My only plans of the day was a movie date with a friend and her fam. I also invited a friend last-minute, but she wasn't able to get in because they sold out right before her turn at the till. So I ended up sitting by myself in the theatre because there wasn't enough seats all together for my friend and her fam. Then after the movie, I took my time getting out of the theatre, but did wait around for everyone else to come out, in hopes of seeing my friend. I didn't, and she wasn't answering her phone, so I just went home.

Today - At church I kinda shied away from people, didn't really chat much. At one point in the morning, when it was just me and the cadets there, one of them asked me, "So, what's going on?" And I just thought to myself, there's a lot going on that I don't want to tell you about because you're leaving. After the service I hid upstairs for longer than I needed to while putting the music away. Then I skipped out on going to the Booth grad because I just didn't want to be around people.

I don't know...

At this point, right now, I just feel lost. Like I'm swimming around trying to figure out which way is up and which way is forward, but I end up just spinning in circles and not going anywhere.

And because I feel like I've lost direction, I feel the need to pull away from people so they don't see anything wrong with me.

I've been trying to open up to certain people... I have a friend that I met at college, I am very open with her about everything, she knows it all. One of my friends from my house church I've somewhat opened up to, but more so just about my sexuality.

But the thing I find hardest is finding someone within my home church - Weston - to open up to. There are a couple people I think would be good to talk with, but there never seems to be that opportunity. The worst part is not being able to open up to my pastor, because there's always that chance that they won't be there very long. Especially with what's been happening these past few years, it's very very difficult to be able to trust that they'll be around for the journey.

And that's a tough thing to deal with, on both sides.

I haven't spoken with my current pastor since finding out about her being reassigned. Right now, I don't really want to, because I know it's going to be hard. Knowing that she's leaving only leaves me without anything to talk with her about, anything more than just pleasantries and small talk.

I am upset. I am angry. I am frustrated. I am distrustful of the Salvation Army. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this...

Friday, April 25, 2014


Change can be good.

But sometimes it's not.

I don't like change.

I like routine.

I like knowing what to do, and what's going to happen.

Today the Annual Change for 2014 in The Salvation Army was made public (here).

We're getting yet another officer change. Fourth one in three years.

In 2011, Ian and Deanna Scott came. It was so great! I had some classes with them when I attended Booth College, so it was great being able to reconnect with them again! Especially with Deanna, we bonded so fast and so well, I was comfortable opening up with her.

But only a few months into their stay here, they were put on leave, and in the end they ended up leaving The Salvation Army. (Long story, not my story to tell, but the jist of it is, they were gone.)

Then we had guest speakers until we were appointed cadets in 2012, and then Margaret in 2013.

And even when Margaret came, I had a really hard time in opening up to her, because I didn't know if she'd be here longer than a year.

And I was honest with her about that. There was a time when I was struggling, she offered for me to chat with her, but I flat out told her that I didn't want to let her in simply because I couldn't be sure that she'd be able to walk the journey with me. She understood, and also shared that she's also frustrated with that.

It is so frustrating not being able to open up to my pastor.

It is so frustrating not being able to trust that the Salvation Army will keep them there to build and maintain relationships within the corps.

So now we have Tina and Keesom coming in at the end of June.

A part of me doesn't want to stay at Weston. I'm so tired of The Salvation Army making so many changes, especially with Weston.

But the responsible side of me knows that it would not be right to just pick up and leave right in the middle of a transition.

I'm frustrated.

So incredibly frustrated.

And I really hope that Tina and Keesom will be here for at least a few years...