"Looking for Angels" Skillet

Going through this life looking for angels
People passing by looking for angels

Walk this world alone, try to stay on my feet
Sometimes crawl, fall, but I stand up cuz i'm afraid to sleep
Open my eyes to a new day with all new problems and all new pain
All the faces are filled with so much anger
Losing our dignity and hope for fear of danger
After all the wars, after settling the scores,
At the break of dawn will we be deaf to the answers?
With so much bigotry, misunderstanding and fear,
With eyes squinted and fists clenched we reach out for what is dear
(we want it, we want, we want a reason to live)
We're on a pilgrimage, a crusade for hope,
Cuz in our hearts and minds and souls we know
(we need it, we need, we need more than this)

Going through this life, looking for angels
People passing by, looking for angels
Walking down the streets, looking for angels
Everyone I meet, looking for angels

So many nations with so many hungry people
So many homeless scrounging around for dirty needles
On the rise, teen suicide
When we we realise we've been desensitised by the lies of the world?
We're oppressed and impressed by the greedy,
Whose hands squeeze the life out of the needy
When will we learn that wars, threats and regrets are the cause and effect of living in fear?
We can help protect the innocence of our children,
Stolen on the internet with images they can't forget
(we want it, we want, we want a reason to live)
We represent a generation that wants to turn back the nation,
To let love be our light and salvation
(we need it, we need, we need more than this)

Going through this life, looking for angels
People passing by, looking for angels
Walking down the streets, looking for angels
Everyone I meet, looking for angels

I became a saviour to some kids I'll never meet,
Sent a cheque in the mail to buy them something to eat
What will you do to make a difference, to make a change?
What will you do to help someone along the way?
Just a touch, a smile as you turn the other cheek,
Pray for your enemies, humble yourself, love's staring back at me
In the midst of the most painful of faces,
Angels show up in the strangest of places

Going through this life, looking for angels
People passing by, looking for angels
Walking down the streets, looking for angels
Everyone I meet, looking for angels

Got Me Hair Trimmed! =)

Okay that's really not what this post is about LOL but I DID just get it trimmed and it feels good! =)

Anyways, just wanna update y'all on what's happening with my move! I talked to Cindy about moving into their place while they're on holidays for July, and she said it'd be totally fine if I moved all my stuff there for just the month... They wouldn't charge me anything, but it'd be up to me to take care of the garden and lawn. But what I think I may do, cuz I still have lots to pack and clean and fix at my mom's, is I'll stay at the Butler's Sunday-Thursday, cuz it is easier to get to MFC from their place, then on weekends I'll head to my mom's to keep packing and stuff... And I talked to my mom about that, and she's okay with it. =) so yay!

AND I think I'm heading there tomorrow night? Cuz Cindy has left on holidays early to see her dad, so Curtis is there and Beth and Farley are visiting, so it'd be a bit weird I guess for them LOL so I will stay there this weekend prolly... We'll see... I'd love to head there tonight but I will be working late tonight... Which reminds me, I should actually call Curtis and let him know that...

So I will call Curtis as soon as I post this, and then get back to work! =) please continue to pray over my mom and I...

update stuff...

Wow, lots to say again! To start, things at MFC have been pretty good this first week! =) we didn't get a much planning done as we wanted, but it was fun nonetheless, and things are starting to come together. Hopefully this coming week we can get lots more done!

Things with mom haven't been so great, but what else is new? I'm trying so hard to not be angry and bitter with her, but it is so hard when she is constantly rude to me. I don't wanna go into details on what she has done specifically, but I have been called names, given the silent treatment, and spoken rudely to, all of it completely uncalled for.

I did have a really good chat with my friend Debi today, and she pretty much confirmed what I've already been thinking about... She suggested that I move all my boxes out of the house (to a friend's house or even to the house itself) just so that my mom doesn't see them and therefore won't have a constant reminder that i'm moving out...

I've had a few friends offer their places to me, either to store my stuff there or even for me to stay there if I needed somewhere else to stay... One of them I would love to stay with her, but my biological father lives in the same apartment so I really wouldn't feel comfortable staying there... My pastor has also offered their house when they're away on holidays, and i'm thinking I may just do that... I will have to talk with them though...

It is definitely not a good situation right now at my mom's house... My mom's anger is getting really intense, and I am almost to the breaking point, I just can't deal with this for much longer...

For the longest time I thought I was to blame, that I just wasn't good enough or didn't do enough, and that's why I got yelled at all the time... But especially after having this conversation with Debi today, I realised that no it's not all me... I mean, yeah I could help around the house more, but can someone really get that mad because I didn't do a chore? I don't wanna make it sound like i'm accusing my mom of anything, but she hurts me in ways that will prolly require therapy down the road... I can see it happening... I've seen it happen with my mom herself... She's told me many stories of her younger years of being abused by her parents... I don't know if she sees it, but I've seen the cycle continue through her. It almost makes me afraid to have children of my own, cuz I've seen many of the same traits in myself... It's been pointed out to me too, especially a couple years ago at camp, my supervisor asked me what was wrong because I was not the same way with kids as I was...

In class, we would always learn about how when there is abuse, it usually continues in a chain down through family generations. I do believe that I can break this chain in my family. I've been through a lot, but I know that I have God in my life, and He is the God of healing and growth!

Anywho, I am at a bachelorette parTAY and I was writing this as the other girls were in the pool, but they are now sitting with me so i'm gonna do my best to socialise... Sigh it's been a rough day so far, so I wanna be able to relax and enjoy myself even if it's just for a night... =)

Things I Need to Say to People

1. You have been such a great friend! I love how we don't even remember the details on how we became so close, but I love that we have! We've been through a lot together and it's because of you that i'm still here... It makes me sad that we seem to have separated lately, but I understand that it's cuz of everything that's been coming up... But I want you to know that i'm still here for you no matter what! I love you so much it hurts sometimes, and I wish you every kind of happiness! =D

2. It's weird how we got so close so fast, but i'm so glad! You are my sister and I love you with my whole heart! You've been there for me since the beginning (at least since I was able to talk lol!) with support, advice, and love. I always feel so comfortable around you, and I want to thank you for all the times we chatted over coffee, for when we gathered at your house for prayer meetings, for the fun times shopping, for the late night chats about really deep stuff, and always for the love of God that you have and that you share with everyone you come in contact with! I know we are not perfect, but we're not meant to be.

3. You were one of my first real friends at the college... It took a lot for me to open up to people and let them in, but with you, once we were in an intensive together and sat beside each other for that whole week, it was much easier! It's been really fun being your friend! =) I love our inside jokes haha! You've been there for me too, and have always had something to tell me, and that means more to me than you know! I've loved getting to know who you are, and I am so inspired by you! I've seen you super excited, I've seen you completely crushed, I've seen you fight for something and I've seen you realise when it's time to let go... You seem so wise to me and I love getting your input on hard decisions. I love you my friend, and I thank you for everything =)

4. Oh my goodness it's only taken 6 months to get to where we are now! You've become one of my closest friends, someone I can chat with about anything and everything! You've opened your home to me, and I've always felt welcome there (even if it was awkward the first time cuz we weren't on facebook LOL!) I feel like I can relate with you about stuff, to a point of course, and i'm so thankful that God has brought you here! I've prayed for you a lot as you went through difficult times, and I continue to pray for you as you keep pushing forward and moving on with what God has for you! You've encouraged me in so many ways, and kept me on track when I started to lose sight of what matters most. I don't feel like I have to fake my feelings around you, I can always express what I feel without feeling judged. In these 6 months, I have grown to really love you for who you are, so I thank you for just being you! =)

5. Oh goodness, what to say! Can I even find words to express how grateful I am for you? It's only been 6 months that I've gotten to know you, but it feels like I've known you forever! For the many coffee dates, the chats, the tears I was able to cry with you, the hugs, but most of all the love, I thank God for you! You seem to have a knack for piecing things together in a way that makes sense, and from that I've been able to work through a lot of stuff... I love talking with you because I feel like i'm actually listened to, and I always leave with a fresh perspective on things.

6. You have been one of my closest guy friends I have ever had. I've been able to tell you a lot of things I thought I'd never be able to tell a guy. I am sad that things had to end, but I like to see it as us just taking our relationship back to a different level. I love the fact that we are still friends and I don't find it awkward at all anymore. I respect you a lot, and you've taught me a lot of things about bf/gf relationships while we were dating. I do still care about you a lot, and I miss having that closer relationship, but I don't regret anything. In fact i'm kinda glad things turned out the way they did, because I can still call you my friend =)

7. I don't really know how to say this... I find it somewhat awkward to be your friend, but awkward isn't the right word... We aren't really that close, but we have a close group of friends. Even as I say this, I realise that not everybody is super close with everybody. I do consider you a friend, and I also know that both of us haven't completely opened up to each other, and i'm okay with that =) I have enjoyed being your friend and getting to know different things about you. I know it takes a lot for you to trust people, but I want you to know that I do trust you, and I'd never try to force anything out of you. Just so you know lol...

8. I think this is my hardest one to write... I know in my mind that you love me, that you want what's best for me, but I don't get that in my heart. I'm not writing this in anger, this is just how it is. I don't get a lot of positive anything from you, which is why I don't stay home very much. It's hard for me to be around someone who always has something negative to say about anything I do, and it really hurts. That is why I need to much other positive encouragement from a lot of my other friends. I understand that you're working through a lot of things from your past while dealing with a daughter who is growing up and leaving home, I know that it must be really hard for you! But I still have needs, and one of those needs is love from you, cuz I don't feel it at all. Around you, I feel like i'm never good enough, that i'm a failure. You've never told me otherwise. I try my best to love you, but it's hard to keep giving when you seem to just get further and further away.

9. You have grown up so much over the years! I've seen you struggle with so many things life has thrown at you, and yet you overcame them all! I can see that you have many friends surrounding you with love and encouragement, and your relationship with God, though shaky sometimes, is your foundation, always remember that! You still have a lot of growing up to do, and life will continue to throw difficult things at you, but I know that if you keep holding on to your Rock, you can get through anything!

MFC! =)

So, it's been two days that I've been at MFC, and I am LOVING it!!! =D. So far it's just been all planning stuff, Dayna, Flo and I have been going through all the little details and getting all the different things planned for the summer kids club, it's been interesting! =) busy, but cool!

I'm looking forward to putting all these plans into action, to meet the kids, to have even more fun! I picture it being a bit like camp, a bit like kids cafe, and a lot of new experiences... I'm excited! =D

It's a little stressing though, because now my days are all taken up with the job, and i'm starting to stress about getting wedding stuff done, and then moving stuff done, and balancing shifts at Smitty's... Oi!!! It'll be good though, I know that God is working in me and is getting things done through me, and I know everything will be done when it needs to get done... So i'm still learning to trust God and lean on him for strength =)

Hmmm...

Well let's see, shall I update? What to say?

First of all, it's been an odd couple days... I've had a LOT of good news, about the house, MFC, everything is just coming together really well! And yet I'm not as happy as I should be about it... I've been feeling all this stuff coming up in me again... Perhaps it's cuz I've been really tired lately, cuz I know it usually hits me when I'm tired... It kinda sucks...

But I'm recognising that it's coming on, and so I've spent a lot of time in prayer, leaning on the Everlasting Arms... I haven't really talked to anyone about it, cuz honestly I don't have anything to say about it, it's just there... And whenever I do talk to people, they usually just tell me to lean on God, and that they'll pray for me... Don't get me wrong, I love hearing that, it's huge encouragement to me =) But I'm already leaning on God, and I haven't really had a chance to talk about it with my friends...

I was at one of my friend's house last night, but she was dealing with some of her own stuff, and I was more than happy to be there for her to talk about it, especially this afternoon... Today for her, she really needs to deal with her own stuff... And I am praying for her, which really helps to keep my mind off my own stuff for now... =)

But I'm thinking that after I post this, I will message my other friend about it... And I ask you all for prayer too... Believe me, I will be okay =) It's just really kinda annoying and frustrating...

Trust

One of my latest fave songs has a line in it that says, "forget the fear it's just a crutch that tries to hold you down and turn your dreams to dust, all you need to do it just TRUST!" and they begin to rock out... Good song actually, "unbreakable" by Fireflight.

Anyways, I wanted to update my blog today in a way that really focuses on trust in God, cuz I've learned to do that and everything is falling into place! =)

When I gave word that I was moving into this house, I really had no idea how I would be able to afford it working only part time at Smitty's... Albeit I have been working more hours lately, it hasn't been full time. But I could feel God telling me to not worry about finances, He will provide. The plan was to move in for September, but things at home have not been so great and I prayed about it, and I am now moving in August 1st.

And a few weeks ago, before even giving word about the house, I had applied at MFC as a kids club assistant, 30 hours a week, $9.25/hour, absolutely set on getting it, was interviewed, was super excited about it, but never got the call to start on the following Monday (when it was originally supposed to begin...) and when I figured that I didn't get it I was a little worried about whether I could afford my room in the house, but God really pushed me to still go for it, trust Him.

Then the other day, I get a call from Jurkuc at MFC, telling me that he was sorry it took so long, they were waiting on government grants to run their programs and pay the staff, and if I was still interested in the job I could come down and fill out all the paperwork. So I went down there today and filled it all out, and I start Monday! =D

I've realised that because I chose to trust God about the house, and I do believe He was testing me by holding out on the MFC position until now, He is really putting everything into place for me right now! It's such a great feeling! Just trusting and waiting on Him without freaking out that I may not be able to afford this... There were times I asked God how this could happen, but I never doubted Him, and now look at what He's doing for me! thank you Jesus... =)

update!

Big news y'all!!! I am officially moving in September into the house I blogged about a while back! =D I finally sat down and talked with my mom, then got in contact with the house owner, and it's all set to go, I am SOOOOOOO excited!!! =D

Though this does cause some conflict in my home now... My mom is not too thrilled that i'm moving into that area (plus there's other personal things she's trying to work through...) which is resulting in us REALLY not getting along lately... I do love her, but things are making it really hard to live with her, and so i'm trying to get in contact with Debby to see if I can move in for August... But she is away so i'm not sure how often she's able to check/respond to emails... But for now, i'm trying to rely on God, cuz I know that it was Him that got all this going, so i'm trying to trust Him... As well as leaning on my awesome supporting friends =)

Speaking of friends, some of them, cadets, specifically the WFCs, it was their last Sunday at Weston... Now I don't wanna get sappy here, but I did have a really great time with them today! =) first, before the service started, I went and hugged Melissa, and we just kinds sat there hugging and she started rocking, and I almost fell asleep in her arms lol! But it was so relaxing and comforting, I haven't felt that in a long long time... It was really nice =)

I also got to get a couple pictures with Melissa and Hannah! =) some on Debi's cam, a couple on my phone... Aww i'm gonna miss them so much!!! But as much as I want them to be here forever, I am super excited for them to get out there to their appointments and to see how God will continue to work through them! =D so to all you WFCs, I pray that you continue to live up to your session name and be true Witnesses for Christ to EVERYONE around you! May God bless you bunches! =D

Moving on to the H2O Challenge, I have yet to actually drink a full 8 8-oz glasses of water, but I have been drinking a lot more than I usually do, so I'd say that is progress! =) yesterday I actually had 5, and today I've had 2 so far... How are you all doing with it? I'd love to hear!

Let's see, what else have I got to update? I think that's about it lol... Oh wait! 20 DAYS LEFT TIL THE WEDDING!!! =D holy smokes I've got a lot to do before then! Last night I really actually started working on the picture slide show, getting a couple baby pics of Georgio ready, getting a bunch of Nat's younger-years pics from Karen, and going through Georgio's facebook pics to see if there's any good ones I could snag... Except my laptop decided last night that it would run super super slow, so I only got about a third of the way through her photo albums... So for now, this week i'm gonna start scanning Karen's pics that I was able to borrow, then wednesday and maybe Thursday if needed I will be at the church to get more facebook pics!

So i'm gonna get started on those scanner pics now... Until next time! =)

H2O Challenge!

I read in my friend Alison's blog about how we are supposed to drink about 1.5 litres of water everday to stay healthy... I personally rarely drink that much water in a day lol but she proposed a challenge, and I intend to try it! Here's the link to her blog about it:

The H2O Challenge!


Check it out, and try it out for yourselves! =)

"The Shack" Pt. 3

I have finished the book, and what an AMAZING book it was! Everything I had questions about in my first blog entry about the book was addressed, plus more! Questions that I often wondered were brought up and discussed... Wow... Yes, I would definitely recommend this book to everyone, whether you believe in God or not! If you wanna borrow it from me just let me know! =) and if you have read it already, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it! =)

As for now though, seeing as it's currently 3:30am, i'm gonna get some sleep. Goodnight world! =)

"The Shack" cont.

I am reading more today, I can't seem to put this book down! Here is a great paragraph that explains the nature of the Trinity, found on page 104:

"'You do understand,' she [God] continued, 'that unless I had an object to love - or, more accurately, a someone to love - if I did not have such a relationship within myself, then I would not be capable of love at all? You would have a god who could not love. Or maybe worse, you would have a god who, when he chose, could love only as a limitation of his nature. That kind of god could possibly act without love, and that be a disaster. And that is surely NOT me ... The God who is - the I am who I am - cannot act apart from love!'"

The Beginning of "The Shack"

I don't want to ruin this for anyone who hasn't read the book yet, so consider this your spoiler alert...

the book begins (after an intro chapter) by telling of how Mack lost his youngest daughter, she had been kidnapped while camping, and murdered, no body was ever found, just her torn bloody dress. This actually really sickened me and I wanted to stop reading right then and there, but didn't cuz I know there's good coming...

But the reality of child abduction really kinda hit me... I mean, this isn't just some fiction story, child abduction is very real in our world, where children are taken, abused - physically, possibly sexually - and killed. Just think about that little girl that was taken on her way home from school, her name is actually slipped my mind at the moment... They only just found her body... Can you imagine the agony of the family? For those of you with children, having your child abducted and murdered would be your worst nightmare! I do not have children of my own, so I can't even imagine what it must be like...

I have s very vivid imagination, and especially reading books I get very wrapped up in it. Sometimes this is good and sometimes it's not... As I was reading in the book about Missy, I could picture in my head the scene: Mack jumping in the water to save Josh and Kate; realising Missy was gone; trying to calm the fears, only to find out what had happened... I could feel Mack's anguish because I could picture what he was saying... I could picture Missy as she was being abducted, her fear, screaming for her daddy, for anybody, to help her... And I began to feel the fear, I began feeling very closed in, trapped... And I cried as I could see her in her red dress trying to fight off her abductor to no avail as he ripped off her dress... Even as I write this, I can feel the terror and pain she would've felt... I know that i'm not gonna sleep well at all tonight because of these images in my head...

And what makes it worse is that this happens in real life! This isn't just a character in a book called Missy! I just can't understand how people can hurt others like that, ESPECIALLY children!!! It breaks my heart to know that there are people in this world that get a thrill from hurting kids, it sickens me! To me, children are the most precious thing in the world...
And to think that God calls is to love even those who hurt them? How can I love someone who would take a child from their parents, beat them, rape them, kill them? I do not blame God for allowing this to happen, because I understand free will and that people make the choice to hurt, not God. What gets to me is that He wants us to love them. Personally, I'd have no problem hating them... Mind you, I would never wish for their deaths, like capital punishment (which, by the way, I am completely against, no matter what the crime), and i'm all for rehabilitation. I can hope for them, that through therapy and counselling, etc, they can change... But when it comes to loving them... I don't know...

But then I look at my own life... No, I have never kidnapped a child, nor have I harmed a child intentionally. But I've made plenty of mistakes. I have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. And in God's eyes, sin is sin. There is no ranking of different sins. Whether it's killing an innocent child, or telling a little white lie, it's all sin, and it hurts God.

I don't wanna make it seem like that if you sin God doesn't like it because He has said not to... It is true that God doesn't like sin... But it's because He loves us and wants to have a relationship with us, and it hurts Him when we don't listen to what He says. He's not a God who is just waiting for us to sin so He can punish us... No, in fact it's completely opposite! He is waiting for us to repent so He can rejoice with us!

I have this amazing vision of this, can you see it??? Think of the "lost" parables: the lost coin, the lost sheep, and the lost son. Think about how excited people were when the lost things were found! Picture the father running to the son when he came back! This is one of my favourite stories that Jesus tells, because I can see myself in the son's role (again with the active imagination lol...) I am able to look back on my life and could just about point out the time when I "left home", when I lived my life the way I wanted to, when I crashed and burned, and when I was desperate enough to come back to God, only expecting to be treated like a hired hand. And yet what I found was that God was right there waiting to rejoice with me upon my return! I was welcomed right back into the family!

I love the song "when God ran", I think it's by Phillips Craig and Dean... The words are absolutely amazing, I highly recommend searching the words on google, or even looking up the song on youtube! The chorus goes, "the only time I ever saw Him run, was when He ran to me, took me in His arms, held my head to His chest, and said 'my son's come home again,' lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes, and with forgiveness in His voice He said 'son, do you know I still love you?'" can we stop here for a second? Can you take a break from reading this long blog post and picture this scene in your mind? Even in this day in age, this just doesn't happen in real life! If a kid takes their inheritance and squanders it all on nothing, there's no coming back into the family! The lost son's brother holds the worldview on this situation, I can totally see why he's upset and refuses to go in to the party... But that doesn't matter... Only God and His love for us...

Coming back to my original topic... It is not an easy thing to love those I want to hate. But you know what? Christ died for them too. This is not an easy thing for me to accept, but I know that it's true.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that WHOSOEVER believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life ... Therefore, go and make disciples of ALL nations, baptising them in the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit..."