Wow, lots to say again! To start, things at MFC have been pretty good this first week! =) we didn't get a much planning done as we wanted, but it was fun nonetheless, and things are starting to come together. Hopefully this coming week we can get lots more done!
Things with mom haven't been so great, but what else is new? I'm trying so hard to not be angry and bitter with her, but it is so hard when she is constantly rude to me. I don't wanna go into details on what she has done specifically, but I have been called names, given the silent treatment, and spoken rudely to, all of it completely uncalled for.
I did have a really good chat with my friend Debi today, and she pretty much confirmed what I've already been thinking about... She suggested that I move all my boxes out of the house (to a friend's house or even to the house itself) just so that my mom doesn't see them and therefore won't have a constant reminder that i'm moving out...
I've had a few friends offer their places to me, either to store my stuff there or even for me to stay there if I needed somewhere else to stay... One of them I would love to stay with her, but my biological father lives in the same apartment so I really wouldn't feel comfortable staying there... My pastor has also offered their house when they're away on holidays, and i'm thinking I may just do that... I will have to talk with them though...
It is definitely not a good situation right now at my mom's house... My mom's anger is getting really intense, and I am almost to the breaking point, I just can't deal with this for much longer...
For the longest time I thought I was to blame, that I just wasn't good enough or didn't do enough, and that's why I got yelled at all the time... But especially after having this conversation with Debi today, I realised that no it's not all me... I mean, yeah I could help around the house more, but can someone really get that mad because I didn't do a chore? I don't wanna make it sound like i'm accusing my mom of anything, but she hurts me in ways that will prolly require therapy down the road... I can see it happening... I've seen it happen with my mom herself... She's told me many stories of her younger years of being abused by her parents... I don't know if she sees it, but I've seen the cycle continue through her. It almost makes me afraid to have children of my own, cuz I've seen many of the same traits in myself... It's been pointed out to me too, especially a couple years ago at camp, my supervisor asked me what was wrong because I was not the same way with kids as I was...
In class, we would always learn about how when there is abuse, it usually continues in a chain down through family generations. I do believe that I can break this chain in my family. I've been through a lot, but I know that I have God in my life, and He is the God of healing and growth!
Anywho, I am at a bachelorette parTAY and I was writing this as the other girls were in the pool, but they are now sitting with me so i'm gonna do my best to socialise... Sigh it's been a rough day so far, so I wanna be able to relax and enjoy myself even if it's just for a night... =)
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