Wednesday, February 29, 2012


I feel like I've come to a point where I need a major change. I'm tired of where I am in life. In my job, in my faith, in my home, in my finances... And the biggest problem is that I can't change most things because of my lack of finances. I feel stuck. In a rut. With no idea what to do to get out.

I have so many big dreams, but with the short-sighted-ness that comes with being only human, I can't see how I'm ever gonna achieve them.

I just feel lost. I feel like I'm missing out on different aspects of life. I miss living with roommates, I miss the relationship I had with my mom when I was little, I miss being in a relationship, I miss the connection I had with God. I do love Jesus, and I do get moments when I feel really close to Him, and I make big decisions based on what He'd want for me because I don't want to regret things later on, but most of time I'm just so disconnected. I don't have that desire to really follow Him. Does that make sense?

And I know there are gonna be people who read this and think, "oh you're still young, life will happen! Things will work out!" Etc etc etc... Yes I know I'm only 24, but I yearn for better things in life, I can't help it! I long to get married, own a house, have a dog, adopt kids, have a garden!

I long to get back into cooking, have my own restaurant where I can create my own menu and cook the dishes and all that... Don't get me wrong here, I do love the kids I work with at the daycare, I'd miss them so much if I did leave, but I just don't want to do that for the rest of my life...

Sigh I don't know... Just a mood I've been in as of late, and I just needed to rant a bit...

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Broken Up

I'm sorry readers that I haven't blogged in a while... There's been a lot going on the past while, and I just haven't had the energy to just sit down and type it all out.

So, biggest news, Alisha and I have broken up. I'm finding this really hard to even write this out... I'm trying to distract myself with Facebook, but I know that this needs to be written out for my own benefit.

It's something that's been building up in me for a while. To me, dating is a preparation for marriage, testing the waters so to speak, to see if you could really spend the rest of your life with this person. I was beginning to realise that Alisha was not the person I was going to marry. But I was also realising that I was not the person that Alisha needs in her life right now. She's still working through issues in her life, figuring out who she is in this world and in Christ. (Honestly, I'm still working that out in my own life...)

It hurts. It hurts a lot. More than I can put into words. There have been times throughout last week and even over this past weekend when it hurt so bad that I literally could not breathe.

- 30 minutes later -

So, I had to stop writing because I just got really really tense and could not sit still, couldn't stop rocking, and my right hand started shaking really bad. A friend whom I was talking to at the time said I might have been a panic attack, but my breathing was fine. But she suggested that I get a piece of paper and just write, so I did. Got a whole page full of writing, but my writing was really big and messy, I guess just in the urgency of trying to get it written down. But my hand has stopped shaking and I can sit still, though I'm still really tense... What the heck was that about???

Anyways, back to what I was writing before...

I've pretty much spent every night since the break-up at the house on Mountain where I used to live. The girls here totally brought me in, first for the weekend, then they invited me to stay for the week, so I took them up on that. It was just so hard to be at my house, alone. Too many memories of Alisha and I together. I am planning to go home on Saturday, partially because I know that I will have to face that eventually, and partially because a friend of mine who lives by me has expressed interest in coming to church with me, so I will need to be home in order for that to happen.

While I've been here at the Mountain house, so much has happened to me spiritually. Friday night, my first night here, I ended up getting here pretty late, I think it was after midnight... I was at another friend's, but I was really uncomfortable there because her boyfriend ended up coming over, and that's really not what I needed then. Then Jon (a spiritual leader in the Bible study group I'm in) messaged me to see how I was doing (he knew about the break-up), and so I told him, and he said that he would come and pick me up and bring me here. So I gratefully accepted that, and Shayani was at the door waiting for me when we arrived. So once it was just the two of us (Jon had stayed for a little bit), I broke down, and I just cried. I cried and cried and cried, I don't even know how long I cried. Probably a good 10 minutes of just tears flowing. I did feel a bit better after getting that tension released. I had held it all in all week. Yeah sure, I did cry a bit, I did have a few anxiety attacks, but I never cried as hard and as long as I did that night. It felt good. Believe it or not, we stayed up until 5am just talking. About everything. About Alisha, about an issue with someone connected with our Bible study group, about life... I was almost considering just staying up to watch the sunrise, but then I realised that it was gonna be another two hours, and I was NOT gonna wait that long, cuz I was tired.

Saturday night, Shayani and Kayla ended up having a prayer session in Shayani's room, and I heard them call me a few times, but I was curled up under blankets, and I was hurting so bad that I could not get up. So they ended up coming to find me after a while, Debby ended up coming in too, and they prayed over me. I had realised that I was still wearing the bracelet with Alisha's name on it, and so I had taken it off, but could not let go of it. I did end up giving it to Shayani though, I'm not even sure she knew what it was. I did see it on her night stand the other day, but she hasn't said anything about it, she hasn't asked, so I'm not sure if she checked it out to see what was written on it...

And it is currently 12:25am, and I am completely exhausted and needing to be up in 7 hours, so I'm gonna go to bed. I will do my best to post some more of what happened this week while here, it's some pretty amazing stuff! Jesus is so good!!! =)