Saturday, December 19, 2009

Christmas Memories

This past Tuesday, my roomies and I had our potluck/secret Santa gift exchange. It was really nice and really fun! =) But it got me thinking on other Christmas memories, and most of them are not so great... The two that stand out the most for me are the one year (can't remember when, but prolly 2003...) when my mom and Wayne fought pretty much all day, and then 2004...

In 2003 (or whatever year it was, I'll just say '03...) the fighting started right at the breakfast table. I don't even remember what they were fighting about, but I was sitting at the dining room table and they were in the kitchen literally screaming at each other... and I remember screaming at them, "THIS IS CHRISTMAS, YOU SHOULDN'T BE FIGHTING!!!" and I ran upstairs and hid in my room for a while... I hated that Christmas...

And then of course, Christmas 2004 was when Wayne was sick... He went to the States to spend Christmas with his sisters because we all knew the end was near and we wanted him to spend that last Christmas with his biological family so he could say his goodbyes. He ended up in the hospital for a few days down there, but made it back here before New Years, and went straight into the hospital again, and never came out. He died January 3, 2005. Worst memory of my life. And every Christmas since then has been really hard, though it is getting easier... I never forget him, but it is getting easier... Even now as I'm typing this, I have tears running down my face... I miss you so much Wayne... ='( I know he's with Jesus, that was made very clear to me the day that Faye spoke at the Bible dedication at church, and I am glad that he doesn't have to live in pain in his earthly body anymore, but it still hurts.... I miss his stupid little laugh lol, I miss how most of his shirts had at least a little bit of pink, I miss being silly with him in a way I was never able to be silly with my mom, I miss riding with him in his truck, I miss his jokes, I miss his hugs, I miss how he would always come visit me at work on Wednesdays when he was in town, I miss our Sunday lunches that were just me and him... He was like a father to me, he was my dad. Of course he wasn't perfect, nobody ever is, but he was my dad.

When I think about everything I've been through, everything I've dealt with, everything I've overcome since he died, I can only say that it is by God's grace that I am who I am today... I often think about what he would think about things I've done, choices I've made... I can honestly say that when I look at my life, I know he'd be proud of me. I know he'd be proud of me no matter what I do or what I choose. It's comforting to know that he's up in Heaven, hanging out with Jesus, watching over me. Lol I can almost imagine him talking with other people up there, saying, "Hey look, that's Stacey, that's my daughter!"

I know I've said this before, I've said it many times, but I know that God sent Wayne into my life for a purpose. Even though he was only around for what seems like a few short years (it was actually about 10 years, wow...), it was through him that God showed me what it's like to have a father. Now I'm able to make the connection between God and Father, because I've experienced it in my family. Now I can truly understand what it means to call God Abba,(which is actually more like Daddy rather than Father... More intimate, wouldn't you say? I mean, a father could just be a sperm donor, but it takes a relationship to be a daddy.

Speaking of fathers... I've been doing a lot of thinking about my own biological father... I still don't really know what to do with that... It's been a year now since my mom made that first step of contact with him... I've found him on Facebook cuz my mom got me to look up his email address one time... I wonder if he's found me... Hmmm.... If - IF - I were to contact him, I'd prolly send him a FB message... I've found my younger half-brother too... I saw him when he came with his dad to Weston that one time, but I never met him...

Anyways, I think I'm done with this entry... I still need to fold my laundry and get some cards done before I head to bed... I'm very much looking forward to going to Weston in the morning! =D Especially since I missed it last week cuz I was sick... Until next time! =)

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