confession time...

last night was really tough... i came to the realisation of a lot of things, some good, some not so good... i had a really good cry, the first in a LONG time, which is good, i’m glad i got it out...

i guess the biggest thing is that i’ve come to realise how far away from God i’ve gone... i mean, i was at the point where i just didn’t care anymore, i was tired of fighting, i was just done. not that i stopped believing in God, i always knew He was there, but i just stopped pursuing Him... i really don’t even know exactly when i stopped... but everything i did after then was pretty much for show... in talking with friends, being at church... the one that gets to me the most is even singing on the worship team... i stopped singing to glorify God and started glorifying myself. i feel horrible about it, but there now it’s out there... and when talking with friends, i would lie right to their faces, implying that things between me and God were great, saying things that i really didn’t even believe whole-heartedly anymore...

but as i was writing my reading reflection thing last night, i was listening to my music (as it always seems to go...) and “consumed” by bethany chapel band came on, and it caught my attention. there’s a part that goes, “my soul thirsts, my flesh yearns for You...” and that part really hit me hard. it goes on to say, “i’ll seek You with all of my heart, and i’ll seek You with all of my mind, i wanna love the things You love; and i’ll seek You with all of my thoughts, and i’ll seek You with all of my soul, it’s my prayer to be consumed.” it hasn’t been my prayer to be consumed... i haven’t been seeking the Lord with everything that’s in me... i’ve turned my back on Him and began pursuing my own desires and tuned Him out.

and yet, last night He got through to me... and i was convicted, and yet filled with so much love! and through the words of the song, i heard God speaking to me, singing to me, saying that He’s been pursuing ME! even though i was trying to run away from Him, He still sought me out and constantly was calling me, seeking me, yearning for me to return to Him! i was just so overcome, i can’t even put it into words how i felt... i mean, even though i rejected Him, when i turned back to Him He was right there, RIGHT THERE, with open arms ready to catch me... you know how when you run for a long time, and when you stop you just feel like crashing to the ground? that’s what it was like... i mean, it honestly felt like i crashed into a pair of arms... and i cried, and i cried, and i cried...

but i also realised something else... actually it was from everything that happened this weekend that made me realise it... but i am incredibly blessed with amazing friends. i spent most of saturday with crystal, kris, and LA, going to the sushi train at the forks for lunch, and to kris’s where LA cooked us all dinner (and i must say that i did miss jaclyn, just wasn’t the same without her...), and then to the hoeft’s for the night, and then yesterday, beth, farley, and darryl, AND kristen were at weston, which was really great, it was sooooo good to see them again! but spending time with all these people, wow... i mean, wow, i really can’t even express how much i love them all... and i thought of other people in my life that really mean a lot to me... georgio, anna, shayani, megan, so many more... and i love them all so much, i can’t imagine my life without them!

but last night my eyes were opened yet again... as much as i love them, GOD LOVES ME EVEN MORE! And He PROVED it to me last night! i mean, He gave his LIFE for me! and not only gave His life, He went through torture! being whipped, beaten, thorns beaten into His head, hands and feet pierced with nails (imagine having nails about the size of the ones used for railroad tracks going through your hands and feet...), and being hung on a cross... not only that, but being betrayed by one of His closest friends... i can’t imagine ever having to go through that agony... as much as i love my friends with all my heart, i’m not sure i’d be willing to go through all that (i don’t think any of them would either...) and yet that’s exactly what Christ did for me, for all of us! i mean, He is the greatest Friend any of us could ever have, and yet i turned from Him... i can only imagine how that made Him feel...
so now here i am, broken before God, convicted, and yet there’s still a part of me holding back from Him... i don’t even understand why i’m so unwilling to fully surrender to Him... it makes me so frustrated with myself! here i stand in the presence of the Lord being given the gift of mercy and love, and yet i hold it away from myself, not fully accepting it because i know what i have to give up if i choose to follow Him, and i’m not fully willing to do that...

i’m reminded of the story of the rich man who asked Jesus what it takes to get to heaven... “as Jesus was setting out on a journey, a man ran up and knelt before him, and asked him, ‘Good Teacher, what must i do to inherit eternal life?’ Jesus said to him, ‘why do you call me good? no one is good but God alone. you know the commandments: “you shall not murder; you shall not commit adultery; you shall not steal; you shall not bear false witness; you shall not defraud; honour your father and mother.”’ he said to him, ‘Teacher, i have kept all these since my youth.’ Jesus, looking at him, loved him and said, ‘you lack one thing; go, sell what you own, and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me.’ when he heard this, he was shocked and went away grieving, for he had many possessions.”

Jesus had basically said that we must give up what we love most in order to follow Him, because it should be HIM that we love most. that rich man loved money and was unwilling to give it up, and that’s why he went away grieving. i feel that grief, because i am unwilling to give up what i love in this world in order to follow Jesus... and yet my heart aches not just because i must give up my worldly loves, but because i can’t understand how i could be in this position. i mean, i’ve been through a lot, and i’ve seen the power of God at work, i’ve experienced it firsthand! i’ve dance like david before the Lord (with clothes on of course) unable to control myself, i’ve been drunk in the Spirit, i’ve experienced a Pentecost, i’ve spoken in tongues! and yet here i am unwilling to give my life to His will? i don’t understand how i’ve gotten to this point!

to those who are a part of weston, i apologise. to my friends who i have deceived, i am sorry. i don’t even know what to say... honestly, i am ashamed... i don’t even know what to do at this point... but now the truth is out, maybe this is a good starting point... oh God help me...