Tired.

I feel like I've come to a point where I need a major change. I'm tired of where I am in life. In my job, in my faith, in my home, in my finances... And the biggest problem is that I can't change most things because of my lack of finances. I feel stuck. In a rut. With no idea what to do to get out.

I have so many big dreams, but with the short-sighted-ness that comes with being only human, I can't see how I'm ever gonna achieve them.

I just feel lost. I feel like I'm missing out on different aspects of life. I miss living with roommates, I miss the relationship I had with my mom when I was little, I miss being in a relationship, I miss the connection I had with God. I do love Jesus, and I do get moments when I feel really close to Him, and I make big decisions based on what He'd want for me because I don't want to regret things later on, but most of time I'm just so disconnected. I don't have that desire to really follow Him. Does that make sense?

And I know there are gonna be people who read this and think, "oh you're still young, life will happen! Things will work out!" Etc etc etc... Yes I know I'm only 24, but I yearn for better things in life, I can't help it! I long to get married, own a house, have a dog, adopt kids, have a garden!

I long to get back into cooking, have my own restaurant where I can create my own menu and cook the dishes and all that... Don't get me wrong here, I do love the kids I work with at the daycare, I'd miss them so much if I did leave, but I just don't want to do that for the rest of my life...

Sigh I don't know... Just a mood I've been in as of late, and I just needed to rant a bit...

Broken Up

I'm sorry readers that I haven't blogged in a while... There's been a lot going on the past while, and I just haven't had the energy to just sit down and type it all out.

So, biggest news, Alisha and I have broken up. I'm finding this really hard to even write this out... I'm trying to distract myself with Facebook, but I know that this needs to be written out for my own benefit.

It's something that's been building up in me for a while. To me, dating is a preparation for marriage, testing the waters so to speak, to see if you could really spend the rest of your life with this person. I was beginning to realise that Alisha was not the person I was going to marry. But I was also realising that I was not the person that Alisha needs in her life right now. She's still working through issues in her life, figuring out who she is in this world and in Christ. (Honestly, I'm still working that out in my own life...)

It hurts. It hurts a lot. More than I can put into words. There have been times throughout last week and even over this past weekend when it hurt so bad that I literally could not breathe.

- 30 minutes later -

So, I had to stop writing because I just got really really tense and could not sit still, couldn't stop rocking, and my right hand started shaking really bad. A friend whom I was talking to at the time said I might have been a panic attack, but my breathing was fine. But she suggested that I get a piece of paper and just write, so I did. Got a whole page full of writing, but my writing was really big and messy, I guess just in the urgency of trying to get it written down. But my hand has stopped shaking and I can sit still, though I'm still really tense... What the heck was that about???

Anyways, back to what I was writing before...

I've pretty much spent every night since the break-up at the house on Mountain where I used to live. The girls here totally brought me in, first for the weekend, then they invited me to stay for the week, so I took them up on that. It was just so hard to be at my house, alone. Too many memories of Alisha and I together. I am planning to go home on Saturday, partially because I know that I will have to face that eventually, and partially because a friend of mine who lives by me has expressed interest in coming to church with me, so I will need to be home in order for that to happen.

While I've been here at the Mountain house, so much has happened to me spiritually. Friday night, my first night here, I ended up getting here pretty late, I think it was after midnight... I was at another friend's, but I was really uncomfortable there because her boyfriend ended up coming over, and that's really not what I needed then. Then Jon (a spiritual leader in the Bible study group I'm in) messaged me to see how I was doing (he knew about the break-up), and so I told him, and he said that he would come and pick me up and bring me here. So I gratefully accepted that, and Shayani was at the door waiting for me when we arrived. So once it was just the two of us (Jon had stayed for a little bit), I broke down, and I just cried. I cried and cried and cried, I don't even know how long I cried. Probably a good 10 minutes of just tears flowing. I did feel a bit better after getting that tension released. I had held it all in all week. Yeah sure, I did cry a bit, I did have a few anxiety attacks, but I never cried as hard and as long as I did that night. It felt good. Believe it or not, we stayed up until 5am just talking. About everything. About Alisha, about an issue with someone connected with our Bible study group, about life... I was almost considering just staying up to watch the sunrise, but then I realised that it was gonna be another two hours, and I was NOT gonna wait that long, cuz I was tired.

Saturday night, Shayani and Kayla ended up having a prayer session in Shayani's room, and I heard them call me a few times, but I was curled up under blankets, and I was hurting so bad that I could not get up. So they ended up coming to find me after a while, Debby ended up coming in too, and they prayed over me. I had realised that I was still wearing the bracelet with Alisha's name on it, and so I had taken it off, but could not let go of it. I did end up giving it to Shayani though, I'm not even sure she knew what it was. I did see it on her night stand the other day, but she hasn't said anything about it, she hasn't asked, so I'm not sure if she checked it out to see what was written on it...

And it is currently 12:25am, and I am completely exhausted and needing to be up in 7 hours, so I'm gonna go to bed. I will do my best to post some more of what happened this week while here, it's some pretty amazing stuff! Jesus is so good!!! =)

Home-Made Ice Cream

So, on a complete whim, I decided I was going to attempt making some home-made ice cream. So I Googled some recipes, as well as how to make it without an ice cream machine, cuz I don't have one. Found some good stuff, I kinda blended two recipes, one was the ingredients and the other was how to make it without a machine, but I didn't grab either link and now I don't remember where they were, sorry =(

So this was my first attempt:

Coconut Ice Cream
5 egg yolks
2 cups coconut cream (I just skimmed the top stuff off of a couple cans of coconut milk, but it didn't give enough coconut flavour...)
2 cups heavy cream
3/4 cups sugar
1 vanilla bean
2 tsp rum (optional of course, I chose not to put it in this round, but perhaps next round.)

Whisk yolks, set aside.
Mix creams and sugar in pot.
Slit vanilla bean with a sharp knife and scrape the seeds into the pot.
Warm over medium heat until sugar is dissolved.
Add a ladle of warm mixture to the eggs and whisk; whisk while adding the rest.
Return to pot and cook over medium heat, stirring gently and continously, until it reachs 85C (185F).
Strain into medium bowl. Add rum if desired, and blend well.
Place bowl into a large bowl filled with ice. Chill in fridge for several hours.
Put into freezer for 30 minutes. Beat until creamy again, return to freezer for 30 minutes. Repeat until you have beaten the mixture a total of 5 times. Transfer mixture into a storage container, and return to freezer for at least two hours. Enjoy! =)

Ps these are a couple egg yolks I used, the first one broke, and the second one was a different brand which was more orange. Looks creepy kinda, but also kinda cool!


Finished product, slightly sampled =P


It is delicious!!!! Because I just used the stuff on top of the coconut milk rather than actual coconut cream, it wasn't as coconut-y as I was hoping, but the vanilla bean really stands out and it's pretty good! I can't wait to make some French vanilla ice cream!!! =D

Zesty Spinach Soup

So, this is the soup I had posted about earlier, and I am finally getting to posting the recipe. I have also found where I got it from! It is my Cooking Light book, but I adapted it a bit to suit my needs, and I didn't have any lemons nor sour cream.

Zesty Spinach Soup
4 tsp olive oil
2 red onions
4 cups veggie broth
3 medium potatoes, diced
1 tsp sea salt
1/4 tsp black pepper
1 10-oz bag baby spinach
1 cup sour cream, divided
1 tsp grated lemon rind

Heat oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add onion; sauté 3 minutes. Add broth and next 3 ingredients. Cover and bring to a boil over high heat; reduce heat, and simmer 8 minutes or until potato is very tender, stirring occasionally. Add spinach; cover and cook 2 minutes or until spinach wilts.
Run soup through blender, adding sour cream as you go.
Serve soup with a dollop of sour cream and a bit of lemon rind.
Yield: 4 1-cup servings


This is without the sour cream and lemon rind, as I said, I didn't have any, but it was still good =)

How Are You?

I was visiting a friend tonight, and I'm unsure if she was doing it on purpose or if there was really nothing else to ask at those moments, but she kept asking me, "So how are you?" I didn't think too much of it the second time she asked, but the third time I wondered, is she trying to get at something? The thought didn't last long because we got into other discussions.

But I was thinking about it on the bus ride home... When you ask someone how they're doing, it's usually something like, "Oh I'm okay," or "Good." Nothing really deep.

I was finding that each subsequent time my friend asked me how I was doing, I was more and more willing to really tell her how I was doing. Not that I'm currently feeling awful and terrible, but I'm also not feeling great and superb.

But how often do we really get past just saying that we're doing well, or fine? Especially when we're not really well or fine?

How many times does someone need to ask, "How are you?" before we really get down to the truth?

How long does it take?

My friend only asked me three times, but had she asked a fourth, I probably would've said that I was feeling really lonely. Really brought down. Really sucked down. I probably would've told her about how I was feeling about a certain someone else that she knows of who is really dragging me down spiritually.

I don't really know where I'm going with this post, I just wanted to note that I find it interesting how when people repeatedly ask you how you're doing, it seems like each time it digs deeper and closer to the truth.

So now I'm gonna go make me some dinner! Zesty spinach soup, I can't remember where I got the recipe from... I'll try to remember to post the recipe here with a picture =)