a not-so-nice entry...

I think it's about time for a real down and dirty update... And when I say that, I mean about my struggles I've been facing...

Lately, I've been finding a lot of past emotions have been coming up again... Things I though I've dealt with, but apparently haven't... Last night I was reading from Blue Like Jazz (really interesting book) and it was triggering a lot of things in me... I can't remember exactly which chapter I was reading, but Don had written something like, "In order to obey God, you must love God, and in order to love God, you must first accept His love." That really hit me hard because I've been thinking lately how I haven't really been doing God's will, haven't been obeying Him, and I've always asked myself why I find it such a struggle, and why it's such a struggle to make the choice to love God enough to naturally obey His Word. And yet there it was right in front of me: because I haven't accepted God's love for me.

Later on in the book, I think it was in the next chapter, Don was retelling a conversation between the Israelites and Moses who had come down the mountain with the Ten Commandments only to find that the Israelites had made a golden cow to worship. It was at this part that I started to cry, because I could see myself as one of those Israelites. Moses had a special relationship with God, he was able to enter into the presence of God, while the Israelites had to wait at the foot of the mountain, never seeing God for themselves. When Moses was gone for so long, the Israelites grew impatient and made their own god that they could see for themselves and worship face to face. And when Moses came back down the mountain to see this happening, he didn't understand why they had done it. He reminded them that God had provided for them, freed them from the Egyptians, parted the Red Sea, led them by a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night, fed them with manna from heaven, water from the rock, and quail, and yet the Israelites lose faith so quickly... It took 40 days to go from worshipping and praising God to worshipping a golden calf and acting like the pagans.

I've already said in a previous post the great things that God has done in my life, things that were, to me, as great as the parting of the Red Sea! There were times when I was so completely overtaken by the Spirit that I had no control over my body, when I was so in tune with God that I could hear His sweet whispers of love and comfort. And yet here I am, in with the Israelites waiting at the foot of the mountain, worshipping a god that I have created with my own hands. No, I haven't actually melted down gold and formed a calf, but I have lived for other things rather than for God. I cannot reveal here what I've done, but those who need to know already know...

Last night after putting my book away, I couldn't shake the feelings that were coming up in me again... To just get it out there, I used to be suicidal. I've worked through this enough that I'm comfortable in sharing this. I was dealing with a lot in my family life, and I struggled from grade 11 through til early in my second year of college. It was then that I finally opened up to some really close friends, and began learning a lot of things about myself, and began to get closer with God. Things were going well. But now some of these feelings are coming back. I want to say right now that I am not in danger, I do not want to hurt myself or anything like that.

I do believe in mental illnesses and stuff. But I believe that there are some mental illnesses that are not mental illnesses at all. I believe in angels, and I believe in demons. And I believe that just as much as angels protect us, demons try to destroy us. I'm not saying that when demons attack, it's like a scene from the exorcist, though I believe that that does happen... But I'm recognising that what's been going on with me lately has been an attack from demons, Satan trying to destroy me spiritually. And as hard as I try to stop it, I often fall for his traps... That's what happens when one hasn't accepted the love of God...

Anyways, as I was saying, last night I began having suicidal thoughts again (not that I would act on them, because I know it's an evil attack, but they were there), and it scared the crap outta me... I did find someone who was still up at 1am, (my good friend in B.C., so it was only 11pm there...), and we chatted via texting and I kinda filled her in on what I was going through, and even before I said anything about angels/demons, she said, and I quote: "It sounds like you are dealing with a demon of rejecction or depression/suicide." And I was completely thrown off, cuz I wasn't at all expecting anyone to say that! But she recommended "The Bondage Breaker" by Neil T. Anderson, which I've never heard of, so I will check it out...

Then later in conversation, she said to me, "One thing you need to deal with first is any unforgiveness issues, as this is a huge open door for the enemy." I've been dealing with a lot of those issues too before last night, with forgiving certain people who have hurt me (and continue to hurt me...), and forgiving myself for things I've done, mistakes I've made... It's been made clearer to me by another good friend that I've dealt with a lot of loss in my life, and that loss has had a huge impact on my life even if I don't always realise it. And more recently, especially with my biological father making an appearance in my life, this issues of loss have been surfacing and I've had to learn how to process all that and begin to work through it. A part of that process is learning how to forgive. Not forget, but forgive. And it's been really tough, I'm not gonna lie. Many times I find that I've just swept it all under the rug, so to speak, cuz I don't WANT to deal with it. And if it's under the rug, then I don't see it, I don't think about it, I don't have to deal with it, and it'll all be fine. But obviously, things don't work like that...

So, this is me. This is part of my dark side. I'm not the happy-go-lucky person that I tend to portray. Yes, I know there are days when I'm actually happy, there are times when my smile is a real smile, and when my nice words are genuine. But not always. Just thought I'd get this out there cuz they say that the first step is confessing it, getting it out there, because then you can admit it to yourself and begin the healing process.