Frustrated

Am I really that strong? I've been told by a few people that it takes a lot of strength to go through this the way I am... Is it really strength? Cuz I don't feel strong at all. I feel weak, worn out, exhausted from fighting this over and over again. I don't see myself as strong, I see myself as a coward because I fear the physical pain. I almost want to, just to prove that I'm not afraid of it, but I know that those thoughts aren't my own.

Just to be clear, I'm not going to hurt myself. Those aren't my thoughts.

I'm more frustrated with myself. It seems like it's a never-ending cycle. I'm good for a while, then BAM! I'm down here again. I'm frustrated that I keep getting back here. I keep resisting what those voices are telling me to do because I know that they're not of myself.

But it's so tiring, I almost feel like I'm suffocating...

I was asked once what I hear in my head, but I can't actually give an exact answer of what they're always saying, it's always different depending on what I'm doing. Like one time when I was walking to my bus stop downtown, I was waiting to cross the street and there was a bus coming, and there was that voice telling me to just walk in front of the bus. Call me crazy, but I almost felt like I was being pushed, but I stepped back.

I don't even know what the point of this blog entry is, I just feel like I need an outlet, a means of communicating what's on my mind. That's the whole point of blogging right?

Sigh I don't know, perhaps I should just go to bed...