This Past Week...

Has been tough! My goodness I thought it would never end! Can't say it was all bad, there were definitely some highlights =) Major one? Pool night, I won 3 out of 4 games, ending with a 36, 4 points away from a perfect night! And I'm the girl who usually just makes it past 20... =P And working at the daycare, oh my gosh those kids pretty much make my life!!! =) There's not a day that goes by when I don't get one of those "THIS is why I'm in this!" moments! Whether it's a tackle hug, or being told I'm a great story-teller, or even having a one-on-one conversation about what Jesus means to them... Man, those kids have so much faith, no wonder Jesus tells us to become like little children!!! Blind faith... Hmmmm.....

Anyways, on to what I wanted to blog about... Forgive me, I'm finding it hard to find words to share what's going on in me... Right at this moment, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed, exhausted, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually... Bleh... Part of the problem is working two jobs... Between the two, I'm not quite doing 40 hours a week, but the hours I AM doing is spread over 7 days a week. The daycare is Monday-Friday, and Saturdays and Sundays (plus some evenings during the week) I'm working at Smitty's. It is so tiring! What made it worse this week was that there was always company over almost every night... Monday the kids were here, Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday Luke was here, last night was Debby's singles group from her church, tonight I don't even know what group was here but they were Debby's friends... Wednesday I was out at pool so by the time I got home everyone was in bed... It's hard being on the go all day, then coming home and not being able to fully rest... By Friday, I was just so frustrated with people being here everyday, I was ready to cry! I did actually, after everyone had gone to bed, I sat in my room and just lied on my bed and let the tears come out...

And of course, when Stacey gets this exhausted, her mind tends to revert back to old ways of thinking... Not good... Though please be assured nothing drastic has come up, but my fear is that if things keep going this way, things will get bad...

Okay, time to be super up front with y'all... (haha I said "y'all"...) I'm not afraid to admit this anymore, I've already blogged about it a while back... I used to be suicidal. I'm not anymore, I have no intention or desire to hurt myself, so please don't get all worried... =) The problem is that those voices (no I'm not crazy, everyone has voices in their head...) don't actually away. To be honest, I do believe in demons, in the same way I believe in angels. And I believe that those negative voices I hear are those demons sent to attack me while I'm weak. This is a spiritual battle, and sometimes I forget who the battle belongs to... I know the war is over, it's already been won, I KNOW all this stuff... But when you're in the valley and already feeling low, sometimes it's easier to believe the lies. Not that I'm trying to make excuses for myself, I know for a fact that it is true for other people too.

Anyways, my point I'm trying to make is that when I get so exhausted like that, it intensifies those voices that tell me I'm not worth it, I'm no good, trying to drag me down. I'm reminded of times when I've failed, when I've let other people down, when I "wasn't good." I'm not at the point yet, and I know I need to make it so that I DON'T get to that point, cuz that point sucks =(

There is a happy ending to this post though! =) Today was a good day! I left the house this morning to go somewhere other than work, and it felt so good!!! =D That really set my mood for my entire day, I felt in such a lighter mood than I felt all week, and when things happened that sucked (like the kitchen flooding at Smitty's today cuz of plugged up plumbing...), I wasn'tbothered by it, I just did what I had to do (for the flooded kitchen, I simply just mopped it up, no big deal lol) When I got home, I was a bit disappointed that there were a bunch of people here (cuz I just wanted to veg around...), but I just went upstairs and played some video games - beat the game I was playing even!

Anyways, I need to get to bed cuz I have to be up in like, 7 hours for work, so I'll finish this off... I know I need to work out a better work schedule, maybe even asking to not work either Saturday or Sunday at Smitty's... At least at the daycare, there's some routine I'm starting to get used to, so I don't wanna take a day off from that, cuz at least a routine schedule becomes easier to handle... I'll have to have a sit-down with my kitchen manager... Please keep me in your prayers, this week is gonna be another long week because I have even MORE shifts at Smitty's, PLUS getting ready for childcare for in-Sunday next week at CFOT... All the activities are all prepped and ready to go, but I still haven't actually watched the DVD part yet.

Random note: I just realised how often I use "..." LOL! Goodnight world! =)